Over My Head
by Chaylay23
Summary: After suffering a life-threatening injury, Jack Hunter awakes to find his world completely altered. Shawn's silent, Eric's non-existent and everyone's keeping secrets. Jack wants to get back what he lost... if he could only just remember... -slash-
1. Blind Guiding Light

Jack winced and his puffy eyes shuttered to adjust to the blinding shock of bright white light. He gasped unintentionally, the movement causing his chest to tighten immediately and painfully. His mouth was dry and his head was pulsating and his limbs felt weighted and tender. He made to lift his hands to cover his eyes and felt a sharp pinch in his right hand. It was a moment before his eyes had adjusted enough so that he could see the IV needle taped to the back of his hand, surprising him even more.

_What happened to me?_ He shook his head trying to gain clarity but only causing his vision to blur further. He blearily studied the room he was in. He was in a bed covered in stark white sheets that crackled like paper when he moved every which way. A window with closed blinds on the far wall and tray with a pitcher and a plastic cup on top of it in the corner nearest to him. He reached blindly out for it but his arms didn't seem to be cooperating and it took so much effort to even lift inches. He tried in vain to reach for the pitcher to no avail. As he grew more frustrated he heard shuffling to his right. In his haste to clear the dry, bad taste in his mouth, he hadn't noticed the chair in the corner.

"Hard isn't it? You're still a bit weak now, but you'll get your strength back soon. I'll pour you some water." Shawn shrugged a grey wool blanket off of his shoulders. He blinked, eyes laced with sleep and shuffled to pour Jack some water. His lazy grip causing some water to spill onto the small table and drip onto the floor. Jack absentmindedly felt like cleaning it but dismissed the thought immediately. If he couldn't pour himself water, he certainly couldn't clean anything. He suddenly felt very ashamed.

Shawn handed him the plastic cup and yawned. "You know, its weird being back here. It's only two rooms down from where Dad was. Some lung cancer patient is staying in there. Pretty cool lady, shares her candy and chocolates with me." He snapped and smiled brightly. "That reminds me! You have lots of cards and gifts. You've only been here for five weeks but our friends feel like you dropped off the face of the fucking planet."

He understood that he was in a hospital but, he had been for at least five weeks? He didn't know why or he couldn't remember. _Was I attacked? Mugged?_ No, he would remember something like that. Not like he had any money on him anyway. The last thing he remembered was chatting briefly with Mrs. Matthews about something. What was it? Why couldn't he remember? Why did he feel so weak?

Jack's eyebrows creased as he studied Shawn. He remembers strange dreams of Eric and champagne glasses and he could've sworn there was a duck involved. At least he thought they were dreams. Frowning, he looked to Shawn hopefully. Positive the man would recognize his confused expression.

"Rachel sent one with chocolate. Cory ate half of them, sorry. Um, Mr. Feeny sent you this long one here. Lots of big words, I think he made some of them up. I checked. Ah, Cory's parents sent these. They sent you two with a box of those pastries you like so much." He reddened and averted his gaze from Jack for a moment. "The doctors did say that you may not be able to taste subtle flavors. They're not sure if it's permanent or not."

Jack didn't know what to say to that. Instead, he opened his mouth, trying to gauge silently how his vocal cords would work. He tried to speak but his voice caught and he coughed harshly a few times. He tried again a little more successfully. "More please." He nodded towards the pitcher.

Shawn obliged and poured Jack a little more this time. "Um. Cory and Topanga sent you a card too. It sings that song you and Eric used to dance to all the time to make us laugh. Well at least I know you did it intentionally to make us laugh. Eric, I was never quite sure of." Shawn chuckled and smiled as Jack's lips quirked at the corners. "Eric sent you a card. Lots of them actually."

Jack tilted his head, wishing he felt confident enough to try to get out the questions he wanted to ask. As he was about to try for a small one, the door opened and a young nurse stepped in. She abruptly lifted Jack's arm and held the stethoscope to the inside of his elbow, glancing at the watch on her wrist. She did a few more observational check ups, eyes, throat and tenderness on his abdomen and sides, before she spoke.

"You seem to be alright. Reflexes responsive. Any numbness?" Jack shook his head just enough to give her an answer but not enough to worsen his headache. "Lightheadedness?" Jack nodded. "That's to be expected. Okay, need you to try to stand and take a few steps."

Jack looked to Shawn who immediately came over and helped him get to his feet. He was surprised at how complicated it was. He could stand but his muscles were so heavy and his joints didn't seem to move. He felt like someone had crushed him, like he'd been hit by one of the trucks his real dad used to drive. He finally managed to stand up straight and Shawn let him go. The nurse was coming into closer view but the new position was still a bit unfocused. He closed his eyes.

_ A dark sky hovering over a sea of dark jade, pine trees appeared and a laugh somewhere off in the recesses or the image. "We shouldn't be doing this."_

_A drunken, slurred, contradictory voice. "I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me what to do." Warm shaking hands and a racing heartbeat. _

Jack shuddered and shook his head again and when he lifted his head again, the nurse's concerned face was all he could see. _What the hell was that?_

"Jack. Jack, are you alright?"

"Mr. Hunter?" Her eyes darted from Jack's distant expression to Shawn's worried face. "Can you speak?"

Jack wearily lifted a hand to point to his throat. It was scratchy and it burned when he swallowed even after the water he had. She nodded and made a note on the clipboard. "That's to be expected too. Okay, can you take a few steps?"

Jack nodded but as he tried, he only managed to move about three inches. His legs felt like anchors and his back was killing him. _What the hell happened?_ As he lifted his left foot, he was aware that Shawn was watching him with silent disappointment. He tried harder, determined to at least take a real step. He grew increasingly frustrated as he realized at the moment this just wasn't possible. Shawn, sensing his agitation tried to get him to relax.

"It's okay. You did good. Better than I thought." Shawn looked to the nurse and she nodded, agreeing. Shawn helped Jack settle back into bed, running his hands through his hair in small frustration. He wasn't sure why he was upset. After all, he couldn't expect much from Jack. It'd only been a week since the doctors had predicted the details of Jack's recovery and for four weeks, they hadn't even been sure he was going to make it. He was lucky Jack could stand. He was fucking lucky Jack was even alive right now.

"Do you remember anything about that night?" The nurse asked, continuing in her examination. She watched as Jack half nodded, half disagreed.

He coughed and then rasped, his voice cracking after every other syllable. "There are flashes."

"Okay." She made a couple of notes on her clipboard before smiling and dismissing herself. "I'll be back in about an hour to do some more observation but you don't seem to present any unexpected complications but it never hurts to be absolutely sure."

Once the door was closed again, Shawn sat down on the edge of Jack's bed. He let his head fall into his hands, his brown locks curtaining his hands. They sat silence for a long time. Jack didn't know what to say and Shawn wasn't making any effort to make conversation. He felt suddenly extremely awkward. Like a new club member left out of all the old stories and jokes everyone else was remembering fondly.

Shawn finally sat up and met Jack's confused gaze, as if daring and half hoping Jack wouldn't ask the question nagging him. There was something about his somber expression that made Jack certain whatever happened… he had been lucky to survive at all.

"Shawn." He coughed but was willing his voice not to die out on him before he could get this out. "What happened to me?"

Jack didn't say anything as Shawn looked pained for a minute, biting his tongue before he sighed. "You died Jack. You died twice and they brought you back." He took a few shaky steps toward Jack, his arms awkwardly forming around Jack's startled frame. Jack willed his strained muscles to cooperate and hugged Shawn back as much as he could. The rugged material of his flannel shirt was scratching slightly on Jack's tender skin but he didn't, or rather couldn't, complain.


	2. For the Sake of Remembering

_**Ch. 2**_

_E__ric grinned brightly, teasing Jack silently with his eyes. He didn't wait for Jack to mutter some excuse to wiggle himself out of it. The reception was almost over and all he'd asked for was one dance. One song, just once. His hand firmly secured Jack's wrist as he maneuvered them onto the hardwood floor. He caught the small grin on Jack's face but decided there would be less resistance if he waited to tease Jack about it._

_"People are staring." Jack muttered out of the side of his mouth. Eric's smile didn't waver. In fact, his smile seemed to widen. He was too wrapped in how perfect the night had been. It was Cory's wedding and somehow it felt like his night. He had cake, his parents were smiling, Cory was married and he had Jack's warm, slender body in his arms. It was like the last month had never happened. Everything was perfect._

_"Let them stare." His jeering tone was met with a suspicious stare. "I told you before and I'll tell you again: I don't care." And he didn't._

_If what they had, whatever it was, had lasted through Rachel and Eve and Shanna all the other girls over the past three years. This had to mean something and he didn't want to waste time worrying about labels and what everything meant. Eric was a complex guy. Whereas other people found it pertinent to label everyone and everything, he was okay with letting things just be. Sometimes it got him in trouble and sometimes he knew his ambiguity annoyed Jack deeply. Once Jack even accused him of using this indifferent attitude to avoid having to disappoint anyone. And he couldn't disagree really because it was easier than sitting around wondering how to one day tell his parents he'd fallen in love with his roommate. Jack seemed to inhabit Eric's every thought. _

_But maybe he'd said too much. Given Jack's recent state, he shouldn't have pushed the idea tonight. Especially after that phone call. Eric snapped his mouth shut, feeling like an idiot as he always did with Jack. Jack could deny this as many times as he wanted but Eric would always feel incredibly brainless and tongue-tied around Jack. Because of this, he couldn't pretend Jack tensing in his arms and pulling back didn't hurt. _

_The song went on for a while before Jack let Eric hold him close again. By the bridge of the song Eric could tell that he hadn't entirely ignored what Eric said but he wasn't willing to go into it. And Eric would have to accept that. Jack burrowed into his warmth and sighed, his hot breath making the hairs on his neck stand in an eerie but not unpleasant way. He could feel the eyes unabashedly focusing on them now, but if Jack wasn't bothered, he didn't care. _

_The song ended and Jack pulled away, practically prying Eric's arms away from him. Gently, of course, because he couldn't hurt Eric if he'd tried. He brought himself to his full height and met Eric's eyes with such severe trepidation pooling in his eyes and Eric was sure that something was wrong. He opened his mouth and his lips were moving but Eric couldn't hear what he was saying. Which didn't make any sense because the band had stopped for a break and he could hear the tinkering of glasses and silverware and small chatter on the side. Why couldn't he hear what Jack was saying? It was important. He knew it was important because Jack had never looked at him that way. Why couldn't he hear him? _

_The ballroom faded away and so did Jack eventually and Eric was outside now. He was running but he didn't know why. The smell of pine needles broke the disorienting darkness and stung his nostrils. He was screaming but he couldn't remember why. He must've been shouting someone's name. Jack's? Cory's? He hurried as fast as he could because he had to get there now. Someone was in trouble. Screaming. Someone was screaming. Someone was screaming and there was blood, Sticky, warm, crimson, flowing. There was blood all over him. Drenching his hands, all over his white dress shirt and even in his mouth and he was choking and gagging the metallic-tasting liquid. And he was screaming screaming screaming. Why was he screaming?_

_"Eric! Eric!"_

"Eric! Wake up! You're dreaming again." Cory said shakily. He'd been staying at home to visit while Topanga was in L.A visiting her father. He figured he should be here with Eric anyway after what happened with Jack. He knew Shawn needed him here too. He rubbed at his eyes, watching as Eric jerked awake and grabbed at his sweat soaked t-shirt frantically before taking a moment to observe the sunlight filled room. He sighed and fell back onto his back. He'd been having nightmares since before Cory had come home. Morgan used to wake him up but Cory took over as they became harder and harder to pull Eric out of. Besides, he knew what they were about so he better understood. His parents felt it best to just tell Morgan that Eric was going through a tough time right now and yes, he would eventually be okay.

Eric swore under his breath and gripped his sheets in clenched fists. What hurt Cory the most was how frustrated Eric became after the dream. It manipulated his mood for the rest of the day and he was becoming increasingly agitated at the smallest annoyance. Sometimes he'd burst into fits of rage and his mother and father would tell Morgan and Cory to leave so that they could handle it. They never got mad or upset with Eric but it was obvious they were feeling helpless. Cory walked in on them one night having a conversation about whether or not to send Eric to a therapist. The main reason being that Eric refused to step foot back in his apartment until Jack came home.

"I can never fucking remember. He told me but I can't remember." Eric seethed and started smacking his pillow over and over. Cory hated seeing him like this. He wasn't the silly, goofy and immature loving big brother Cory grew up with. He didn't know who Eric was or how to repair him. Or if he'd ever come back. Cory shook his head, rolling over. He was being selfish again. At least he had his brother, no matter how irate and different he was. At least Eric was awake and breathing on his own.

Cory got out of bed and shuffled over to Eric's bed. He'd repeated the process so many times he could've sworn there was a pattern in the carpet. He pet Eric's shoulder a couple of times before shuffling over to the bathroom door. "It'll be okay Eric. You can ask him when he wakes up." _If he wakes up_, he left unspoken.

Eric didn't respond. He appeared to be burrowing himself further and further into his bedclothes trying to disappear. He hadn't washed his hair in days and Cory was pretty sure he hadn't changed clothes either. He shuddered as he thought of how Eric had refused to take off his suit that night.

He remembers his mother tearfully pleading with him before Shawn stood up and pulled him aside. Cory doesn't have a clue what he said but he heard Eric shouting something, mouth covered in smeared blood, as he appeared to be restraining himself from punching Shawn. But after some argument, Shawn managed to get him to take it off. He didn't throw it out, though. His mother let him use a plastic covering so that every time Cory got dressed, he wouldn't be faced with the stench of blood, and Eric could have his odd comfort. It didn't freak Cory out any less, though. Topanga thought he was being insensitive and it figured that she understood what Cory didn't.

Cory made his way into the bathroom and cracked the door, watching Eric's actions. He studied the older man as he ran a hand through his greasy hair and opened the door to the closet. Like those many years Cory had watched Eric wake, get dressed and practically drown himself in cologne, Cory watched new Eric's new routine. Eric sighed heavily and covered his mouth absently. His long, thin fingers longing to touch the suit in the plastic casing. And like every morning before, Eric's eyes belied his stability. Cory didn't know if it broke his heart more to see Eric dying to touch the suit in the plastic casing than it did to hear his nightmares and screaming in the middle of the night.

Cory sighed and closed the door and he vaguely heard Eric do the same.

"No, it is not alright Alan. He is completely falling apart. He doesn't give a damn about school. He hasn't showered in a week and he spends the day sitting around the house staring into space. We need to do something and now before we lose him." Amy shouted, slamming cabinets as the flaps of her robe fluttered about.

Cory stopped on the stairs, observing quietly. His father was sitting at the table in an apparent passive position. "He was there Amy. He found him there. What if that had been Cory or Morgan or even me? How would you feel?"

"I would hope my family would get me the help I need." He started before Alan stood and held up his hands to stop her.

"You and I both know that he's not getting any better until Jack walks through that door. Until he finally hears that this wasn't his fault from the only person he needs to hear it from."

Amy shook her head and started to set out skillets and pans. She turned around, her hands on her hips. "And what are we going to do if he doesn't? Then what's going to happen to Eric?"

Alan didn't say anything and somehow the tension and silence got a little more alarming.


	3. Scars

_**Ch. 3**_

_"Eric, I can't breathe. Please." Jack pleaded, clenching his chest and panting heavily. A vice grip crushing his lungs as a cold sweat ran down his back. The room was spinning and his knees were slackening and he was so sure that any minute now, he was going to crash to the hardwood floor. One thought continuously circling his mind,' _Eric, I have to get to Eric'._ His pulse continued to thunder in his ears, drowning out the comforting words Eric was practically shouting at him._

_He didn't know what he expected Eric to do or why he was calling out to him. He continued to gasp for breath while his gasping breaths started to dry his throat and make his ribs ache. Desperate tears ran down his face. _'It's all my fault, I can't change this. I can't control anything. Everything's going to fall apart.', _flowed through his thoughts. He reached out to hold on to the counter but faltered as it was farther away than it had seemed._

_"Jack!" Eric was suddenly holding on to him, his arms on Jack's shoulders as he tried to catch his gaze. Eric's thin, nimble fingers worked with the pressure of his hands to give an anchoring feeling that made Jack feel both better and worse at the same time. Like he wanted to be weighed down but his body needed to be released. Eric looked just as scared as Jack felt. "Look at me." And Jack tried, he really did but he couldn't seem to focus or stay still long enough to do so. His vision blurred and an obscured, deformed images of Eric's tense face, furrowed brow and the shining silver rings on his fingers ran through his clouded mind. If possible, the pounding got louder and it felt like his ears were popping. "Okay. Calm down, Jack. You're having a panic attack. You need to try and calm down."_

_It made sense but knowing what was happening just made Jack even more terrified. He tried to breathe, make himself calm down but the more he tried the more panicked he became. Eric's hands wrapped gently around the back of his neck and Jack finally managed to concentrate on his face, his eyes going wide. Eric's pale, fearful face was so clear and bright, his eyes were focused completely and entirely on Jack's face. It was like seeing him for the first time through opaque glass. For a minute, for a brief moment, Jack's heavy breaths slowed and his heartbeat started to level, everything washed away until the only thing he could see, the only thing that existed on any possible level, was Eric. Everything was Eric and Eric was everything. He stared in silence. The hands on the back of his head tightened and Jack found himself pulled into Eric's embrace and breathing in the smell of his sweet, all encompassing cologne._

_Sometime between trying to burrow further inside Eric and listening to the comforting sound of Eric murmuring random things into his ear, Jack realized his breathing had finally returned to normal. Still, his eyes lingered on the disorganized pile of coursework on the table. The many unanswered exam reviews and empty thesis statements. _

Jack sighed. He'd been sitting in this bed for two days now and he still wasn't quite sure of what happened to him before he got here. He'd gathered that he had a head injury, that he'd slipped in and out of consciousness but he still didn't know the most important part. He didn't know how it happened or why. Nothing explained the scars and bruises on his arms and abdomen either. He looked like a battered spouse. The purpling and green and yellowed spots freckled his skin and made it painful whenever he made any sudden movements. A few of them looked distinctly like handprints and when he'd studied them carefully, he was left with an extremely sickened feeling. He kept asking Shawn but the answer was always so vague Jack could tell he was hiding information deliberately. Jack kept having flashes of what he was sure happened on the night he can't remember.

Shawn was laughing at the cartoon on the television and not paying attention to Jack at all. It was kind of a relief as he'd been growing increasingly more irritated at the younger man's periodic inspection but he felt ignored for some reason.

"Shawn?" He waited until the other man laughed again and finally turned his attention. "Shouldn't I be in school or something?" He knew the semester had started some time ago and he knew that Shawn had talked to his professors for him. That or they'd heard about his 'accident'.

The wary hesitation on Shawn's face only further intrigued Jack. He silently studied Jack for a moment before answering. "Actually, the doctors feel that it'd be best if you don't worry about school for a while. They talked to your mom and she agreed. It'd be best not to… stress you. At least for now." He added, hastily. He was steeling himself for Jack inevitable explosion but it didn't come. Instead another question graced his lips.

Jack seemed satisfied and lay back concentrating on the loud television for the first time since Shawn turned it on hours ago. He hadn't run out of questions but he knew he had to pace them if Shawn was going to answer them. "Where's Eric?"

At this, Shawn tensed and his eyes drifted to the tile floor. Jack watched his hair curtain his guilt ridden expression and it was a long time before he said anything. _He's going to have to tell me sometime._

"He hasn't been here." He said slowly. He didn't have to look at Jack's face to see the questioning if not heartbroken expression. He suddenly felt very old and he thought of the time his father had taken him to zoo. He asked where his mom had gone and watched as his father's face blanked. He can't remember exactly what he said but he knew it was an aversion to answering his question. Shawn hadn't understood then but he understood now. That didn't make it any less hard to have to lie to Jack.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I don't understand why Shawn's been keeping him from me. Do you know how long I've been trying to get myself to believe that what happened isn't my fault? Just… give me a few minutes please. He's sleeping." Eric pleaded, hoping he hadn't completely lost his way with women. Her face softened and she ducked her head and closed the door. He silently hoped Shawn would take longer to get a change of clothes and wouldn't show up as he was leaving. Eric would never get a chance to see him then.

Eric sidestepped the tray on wheels and sat down in the chair by Jack's bed. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully but the grimace on his face gave away his unpleasant dreams. Eric reached out a hand to grasp Jack's. He tried to ignore how cold it was in contrast to how warm Jack's hands always used to be. "Bad dreams? I get those too."

Eric's throat tightened. It was too… disheartening to sit here talking to Jack and not have him disagreeing with almost everything Eric said or moving around neurotically because Jack was always moving; always in motion. _That's what got him here in the first place_, Eric thought bitterly.

"I worked so hard to get you to relax. You don't know how hard it was to have to watch you beat yourself up like that, everyday. You tried so hard to be better when you didn't have to, Jack. I guess I shouldn't have worked so hard because now, right now, I'd give anything if you would just wake up and call me an idiot right now." He said hollowly.

He was now studying the scars covering Jack's arms. Scratches and scrapes and cuts and bruises. His right arm was still bandaged after the fracture from a month ago broke again in the same place. His face wasn't so bad. A few bruises and Eric noticed his black eye had completely faded away. Which made sense because his had faded too. Eric hadn't told anybody that part of him resented how fast it healed because he somehow felt like he was losing some part of that night and he needed to remember everything. He couldn't explain why but he had to. He was steadily losing all the parts he could explain, it seemed.

"You look better." Eric held Jack's hand to his cheek, feeling the familiar, painful strain in his throat. "Jack, I should've done a better job of taking care of you. I should've asked for help, I'm so sorry. It's not Shawn's fault; I would've kept you away from me too. It's this selfish part of me that thinks you would want me here. The part of me that just can't let you go."

He didn't know how long he sat there just watching Jack breathe but it felt like too soon the day nurse was ducking her head in. "Eric? You have to leave now."

Eric nodded solemnly, his eyes feeling strangely tired. He kissed Jack's hand and stood. So much of him ached to kiss Jack, _really_ kiss Jack for the second time, not caring that the nurse was there at all, but he didn't. He knew it would make leaving harder. "Bye, Jack."

Every step away felt wrong but Shawn was keeping him away for a reason. Maybe Jack was better off without Eric.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"No, you answer me now! Why? You've been keeping things from me and I've been letting it go because I was sure you had a good reason. But then I find out, from Cory of all people, that you've been keeping Eric away from me and that's not okay, Shawn. It's not!" Jack shouted halfway through before his voice gave out and he had to practically hiss the rest of it. It was clear by the fire in his eyes that Jack was seething and no placation from Shawn would make that anger go away.

Cory had called earlier that day, somehow unaware that Jack had woken up and even more surprised to know that Shawn hadn't told him what he'd said to Eric. His brother had come home the other night looking a little worse for wear and after some subtle interrogation he'd gathered that Eric had gone to see Jack. He asked when Jack might be feeling up to a visit from all of his family. Jack had agreed immediately and it was obvious that he was looking forward to it.

"So then Shawn would be okay with that? With Eric?" Cory had asked quietly. He didn't know all the details but he knew that Shawn had specifically told the nurses not to let Eric see Jack and because Cory knew how protective Shawn could be at times, he knew he had to accept it even if he didn't understand it. It didn't make it any easier to see Eric so upset about it but he couldn't have changed it if he tried. It was just another reason Eric had been so manic lately.

"Yeah, why wouldn't he be? I've wondered why he hasn't come by sooner." The lightness in his tone told Cory that Shawn hadn't told Jack about Eric. He paused, not sure what to say. He didn't want Jack to be angry but it didn't feel right that he didn't know.

"Shawn told Eric that it might not be best for you to see him right now." Cory explained haltingly. He listened and heard Jack breathing over the phone.

"Oh." Jack coughed a few times and when he spoke again his voice was hoarse. "That… that makes sense. But… okay. Tell your parents they're welcome anytime. And tell Eric…" He coughed once more and if possible, his voice was even more choked. "Tell him I'm sorry."

If Cory had known that phone call would cause so much damage, Jack doubted he would've called in the first place. Shawn looked stricken at seeing Jack so enraged and held his ringed hands up defensively. "Jack. Look, what did you expect? He found you." Jack faltered, that was new. Shawn hadn't told him that before. "He was there. And it's not like he fought for you."

Shawn instantly regretted his words when he saw Jack wince and a look of distressed comprehension washed over him. He sat back in bed and as his arms crossed, Shawn recognized the familiar signs that Jack was closing himself off again. He'd taken to doing this when his environment got too difficult to deal with. When he could tell Shawn was hiding something or he got off the phone with his step-father or the doctors came in to tell him that it might be a while before he got his taste back or would be able to walk normally or breathe without his chest tightening and his ribs and sides aching.

It usually took Shawn a few minutes to pull him back and get him talking again. For the first time, he couldn't. And it scared him more than anything.


	4. Never Let This Go

_**Ch. 4**_

_ "Jack?" Eric was calling out. He couldn't remember what he wanted but he felt that it was important he find Jack. The parking lot was dimly lit and he could still hear the slow music from inside. He scanned the empty lot before eyeing the trees off to the right. No way Jack was there, he hated being outside for short periods of time. Why would he be in the woods?_

_But their car was still in the lot so where else could he have gone? Eric slowly made a trail through the trees when he noticed a black shoe on the ground. He kept walking and along the way he found a tux jacket, another shoe and a bow tie and even Jack's shirt. He was growing increasingly worried as he kept coming across pieces of Jack's suit but saw no signs of Jack at all. _

_"Jack? Jack! Where are you?"_

_"Up here, Eric." A slurred voice from above his head said happily. "S'okay. Everythin's going to be okay in a minute. Everythin's… going to be fine."_

_Hands, hands all over him but they didn't feel good. They felt wrong, they were holding him down. He kept calling out for Jack, reaching for him blindly in the cold air. He couldn't move his legs and his chest hurt like someone or something was resting on top of him. Someone's voice kept repeating over and over that everything was going to be okay. _

_But everything wasn't okay and it wouldn't be ever again._

_______________________________________________________________

"Eric. Sweetheart? Wake up." Amy said, shaking Eric's shoulders gently. She hated to wake him up, especially because he looked like he really needed the sleep. But Shawn was letting them visit Jack for the first time since he'd woken up and she doubted Eric would've wanted to sleep anyway.

Eric sat up, resisting the urge to check his shirt like he had so many mornings. "Mom? What are you doing here?"

"Get dressed. We're going to the hospital to see Jack. He woke up." She watched as Eric froze, disbelieving. "Shawn feels that Jack is… ready to have other visitors now." Eric got up slowly and started to get dressed only to decide that he was filthy and his hair was sticking to his neck uncomfortably.

As Amy heard the shower start in the bathroom, she sighed and covered her mouth. She didn't know if this would put Eric together or further tear him apart. Eric was an idiot if he thought she didn't know what had gone on between the two men. She could put things together and she was his mother after all. She only hoped she would eventually be able to get over it and not let Eric push her away further. She just didn't know if he would able to handle this alone.

_______________________________________________________________

Shawn helped Jack sit up and put on his shirt. He was still sore and weak but the lightheadedness had gotten better. He still had trouble grabbing small things like silverware and pens which made it hard to sign things. Sometimes he'd be in the middle of a conversation when a flash of dark woods and the sound of someone's voice talking and then screaming would wash over his senses. They were starting to prolong and bits and pieces had started flowing into his dreams. Shawn still wouldn't tell him despite how desperate his questioning had become. Jack knew Shawn had warned the Matthew's not to tell him anything either. He only hoped Eric would tell him but part of him doubted that. If he'd stayed away when Shawn asked him to, he'd stay quiet because Shawn asked him to. Jack wondered what their relationship would be like now.

"Now remember, if you feel like you can't handle this, they'll be gone before you can blink." Shawn warned, helping Jack lay back. His eyes looked cautious and unyieldingly worried. "And if they ask you something you can't answer-"

"Shawn." He snapped. "Please. You kept everyone away from me for long enough."

Shawn ran a hand through his brown locks and frowned. "I just… love you. I don't want to see you get hurt. You don't know what it was like to see you like that. There was blood everywhere and you weren't breathing on your own and the doctors were shouting all kinds of stuff and everything was going by so fast. I made a promise to you that night that I would do whatever I had to do to make sure I never had to see you like that again. I…" He trailed off and Jack covered his hand with his own.

He smiled sadly. "I know. But they love me too. I'll be fine."

_______________________________________________________________

"And here's Morgan and Cory on the swingset. Cory kept trying to get her to push him higher." Amy said, watching Jack laugh. She noticed that his voice was gruff and edged sometimes in the middle of sentences unintentionally. She'd also noticed how he kept trying to avoid staring in Eric's direction and that Eric was doing the same thing.

Alan wrapped an arm around Amy's waist and put the album away. "Amy, I think he's seen enough pictures. How are you really doing son?"

Jack watched Shawn tense slowly and lean further into the wall. "I'm getting better really. Some days better than others, but Shawn has been great." He gave him a comforting smile and accepted the hug from Mrs. Matthews as best he could. Everything seemed to be going well until Cory asked the question Shawn had been dreading.

"Shawn, why did you keep Eric from coming?" Cory asked, trying to ignore the way the temperature in the room completely dropped. Amy gasped quietly but ducked her sight to her hands in her lap. Alan stared at the window and tried to put himself away. And Eric, Eric looked as if he'd never been more proud of Cory.

Jack didn't say anything because he'd been wondering the same thing. Shawn sensed there was no way to get out of this and eventually answered. "I don't know anything about what was going on or just how bad it got. He built this bubble around Jack and himself and I never saw him. Not even for Christmas. I kept wondering if maybe he'd told me, or you or anyone, it could've been avoided. I wasn't sure then, but I am now. I couldn't be sure if it wasn't-" he swallowed heavily and glanced at Mr. and Mrs. Matthews. "… his fault."

Flashes or not and whether he remember or not, Jack highly doubted this. "You're wrong Shawn. Eric didn't do this to me. He couldn't." _He would never hurt me. He told me_, Jack left out when Eric had made that promise.

"How would you know? You can't even fucking remember!" Shawn muttered. Amy and Alan stared and Cory looked stricken but not altogether surprised at the outburst. Jack's face took on that blank, flat expression as he laid back and crossed his arms.

i_ He laughed and the warm hands on his waist shook him playfully. Big, brown eyes brightened and crinkled at the corners. "We should..." Jack trailed off._

"_So what." Eric responded and Jack was being pulled off of the dancefloor./i_

Jack shook the image away. Shawn was rushing to his bedside trying to apologize. "Jack, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Me too."

_______________________________________________________________

Out in the hallway, Cory tried in vain to talk to Eric. He was banging his forehead against the wall next to the elevator trying to drown the choking sounds. It was obvious he was livid and just wanted to be alone but Cory refused to leave him that way.

He tentatively placed a hand on Eric's shaking shoulder blades only to be pushed off. "Get off of me." He hissed. He resumed the rhythmic beating and when it started to hurt, he ignored the pain. Amy and Alan had no idea what to do and Cory looked conflicted between trying to comfort him again and telling Shawn off for being the cause of this. The only time he could remember feeling this unsure was that night when Shawn had slammed Eric into the wall of Jack's hospital room. He remembers it not for the crack left in the plaster but because he'd noticed that Eric had somehow arrived in the ambulance with an already darkening black eye.

Eric was breaking inside. He felt stupid for it really. Shawn had only said what Eric lay awake at night thinking and telling himself. Cory and his parents and even Mr. Feeny could try to tell him otherwise but nothing would change the fact that what happened to Jack was his fault. _He was in so much pain and I didn't know how to help him. Me and my stupid pride._

Amy whispered, "That was uncalled for. I've forgiven him for a lot of things over the years but this? I don't think we should come back."

Alan objected. "No. He didn't mean it. He was just… overwhelmed. Try to imagine what he must be feeling and this is the same hospital."

"I still don't think we should come back—"

"Shut up. Stop acting like I can't hear you. He's right! I did this to Jack. This is my fault and if I could change it, I never would've left him alone that night. He was… he was having problems that I just made it worse. He had so much shit to deal with and… I just gave him more…" his voice broke off and the pain in his throat became unbearable.

The elevator door finally opened and he stumbled inside, closing the doors before his family could say anything. He slid to the floor and managed to press all the floor buttons before burying his face in his knees. He didn't care if he looked like a petulant child at the moment. He kept coming back to Jack. He looked fine. He was breathing, he was even smiling but Eric couldn't shake away the vision of Jack covered in blood and not moving, his body limp and unchanging. He saw it every time he closed his eyes and he heard the sirens in every silence.

Eric resumed banging his head against the wall, his Converse making a slapping sound as he tapped his feet to an unheard rhythm. The doors eventually opened to reveal and mother and child. One look at Eric's reddened eyes and strained face, she nodded and stepped back deciding to wait. Trapping Eric in his nightmares alone again.

Jack watched what little he could of the Matthews through his windows. He knew that if he could just somehow get Eric alone, Eric would definitely tell him what happened. But with Shawn wary to even let nurses touch him, was that possible?


	5. Now or Never

_**Ch. 5**_

This was it, Jack's only chance. He'd sent Shawn to go get him a DVD to watch a while ago. Just long enough to make a phone call and pray Eric was at home. He dialed the number, all the while watching the door half expecting Shawn to come bursting through. "Hello?"

Jack coughed. "Hi, Morgan. Jack. Can you get Eric please?" He was hoping she wouldn't take her time to ask questions.

"Oh, hey Jack. How are you?" She asked, but Jack was patient because he heard the sounds of creaking stairs in the background.

"Great. Way better. How have you been? Any cute boys to hide from your parents?" He teased.

She giggled and Jack distantly heard her knocking on a door. "Nope. I'm going after _men_ now. I'm older and more mature." A pause. "Hey, idiot-face: phone. Bye Jack, hope you're better."

Shuffling before Eric's drowsy voice was sounding over the line. "Hello." Jack frowned, still watching the door. He didn't sound too good.

"Eric? Are you okay? You sound horrible."

"Jack?" His voice instantly perked up and Jack smiled on his end. "Hey, what's up?"

Now or never. "Hey, listen. I need you to do something for me."

More shuffling and Jack could just imagine Eric wedging the phone between his shoulder and cheek. "What? Anything? Are you okay?" His tone was very serious now.

"Yeah, fine. I'm great. I need you to wait until ten o'clock and then come to the hospital."

"Jack." He sounded hesitant but Jack figured he didn't flat out say 'no'. "I'm not going to bust you out or anything. Shawn would kill me and he already hates me."

"He does not. And that's not what I'm asking. I just want to talk to you. We didn't get a chance to do that yesterday."

"But we're talking now. Why do you-"

"I need to see you."

Silence. "Okay." The fortitude in his tone only made it more evident that Eric really _would_ do anything for him. Jack wondered why that thought didn't scare him at all.

___________________________________________________________________

_ "Oh, God." Jack moaned and arched his back to distance his flushed skin away from the cold leather of the couch. Eric dropped his head and put his thigh between them. He bit the moist skin of Jack's neck and continued grinding his weight into Jack, lost in the friction. He was struggling to keep his eyes open to watch how beautiful Jack's face looked when his head was thrown back in pleasure. This was how he loved Jack. Shivering, shaking and swearing enough to make even Shawn blush. Eric trailed through Jack's coarse hair with the underside of his tongue, only to further tease Jack by coming up again and tonguing the tender skin on his stomach._

"_Wanna play a game?" Eric asked between licks and torturous kisses. He bet he could make Jack come without even getting to the main course of action. A sense of power and control washed over him as he watched Jack's rolling and rising movements. "I can spell out words with my tongue and you can guess what I'm spelling."_

_Jack groaned and started running his long, thin fingers through Eric's sweaty hair. "Oh… if they aren't 'suck me' or anything similar…" His breath hitched as Eric nipped at his left nipple. "I really don't give a shit Eric." Eric snorted and Jack laughed along breathlessly for a moment before his laughter was quickly lost in Eric's mouth. He swiped his tongue in Jack's mouth and he dropped down again. _

_Jack was sure he was lying on top of the remote and possibly Eric's wallet but he could ignore it because Eric's hands were unbuttoning his jeans. Jack tried to swallow the urge to beg but Eric was enjoying torturing him a little too much._

_Eric had Jack flushed and moaning underneath him, his sweaty chest sticking to his. He saw the signs of Jack overworking himself earlier and knew he had to do something. Trying to pull him away hadn't done anything so he pushed all of Jack's books to the floor and lifted the small man onto the table. Eric seemed to literally pull all the protests from Jack's mouth and soon they were grinding their hips together in desperate friction before Jack complained about the awkward angle. _

_They eventually moved to the couch where Eric resumed teasing the hell out of him. More than the desperate attempts to pull Eric's body tighter against his, Eric could see clearly the adoration in Jack's unnaturally bright eyes. Maybe that's what made Eric eventually give in._

_Jack sighed in relief when Eric's hand finally wrapped around him, tight and hot. He tightly fisted Jack, loving the small sounds he made in the back of his throat. "Like that?" _

_Jack let out a long guttural moan and muttered, "So good." Which was amusing but Eric knew he could get a better response. He let Jack thrust a few more times before ducking his head down. Stretching out, Eric raked his nails down Jack's sides hard enough to feel but not hard enough to hurt and took advantage of Jack's rising hips and took Jack into his mouth. Jack's body arched trying to burrow deeper into that gratifying heat as Jack tried to shove his fist in his mouth as he cried out but Eric slapped his hand away. He could feel his own erection pressing uncomfortably against his jeans and he moaned, the vibrations making Jack's breath hitch once more. God, this felt good. If he could just placate Jack with sex all the time, he would die happy. _

_He pulled back, momentarily distracted by Jack's desperate thrusts into his hand; Eric could tell he was close. _

_He'd only ever done this once before but he didn't enjoy it. It was awkward and Eric had been drunk at the time. He never told Jack about it but Eric was sure that the experience helped him realize he was attracted to Jack. He'd spent weeks wondering why sex with another guy made him think about Jack _more_. _

_Eric lowered his mouth again, listening as Jack moaned low and deep, the sound making Eric shiver so much that he closed his eyes as Jack's thighs started to quiver. Eric gripped his bucking hips and swallowed again all the while unbuttoning his own jeans and working a hand inside. Jack was moaning freely now and tossing his head in between muttering that sounded like he was saying 'fuck' and 'Eric' over and over again. _

_Jack was certain he was actually seeing stars. "Fuck, Eric, I'm going to-" He expected Eric to move but he swallowed once more and Jack didn't care anymore. He grunted and came thrusting into Eric's mouth, his head thrown back and eyes shut tight. He let Jack ride it out before he returned to his own erection. Jack felt Eric's soft hair tickling his skin gently as he moaned, biting down on the slick skin of Jack's left hip. Jack pulled Eric up and kissed him briefly before nipping at the goose-pimpled flesh of his neck and slapping Eric's hand away. _

_"Jack." Eric's need to come sounded loud and clear and Jack, never one to tease. He tugged Eric's head back by his hair to see his face. He kept coming back to his face as he kissed and bit the skin on Eric's neck. Eric groaned and Jack was kissing him, swallowing all of his whimpers as he shuddered and came. Jack pressed his lips to his forehead as they tried to catch their breath. _

_Jack opened his eyes to see Eric watching him with an amused expression. "Tired?" Jack nodded. "Good. You need the sleep." He made to get off the couch but Jack reached out. He smiled again and lay back on top of Jack's half naked body. He could ignore the way their skin stuck together if Jack could. And when Jack closed his eyes and fell asleep, Eric laid there trying to ignore the feeling in the pit of his chest telling him that he had to memorize this feeling. Because he just may never feel Jack in his arms this way again._

___________________________________________________________________

Eric woke up with tears in his eyes. It was the first time in a long time he'd had a dream like that. He was glad Cory wasn't here to wake up him. He didn't know if he'd be able to handle the embarrassment. He got up to take a cold shower because he didn't want his mind to come back to what life with Jack had been like. He couldn't deal with that right now.

He had an hour before he was supposed to sneak into Jack's room at the hospital. He had told his parents he was going out with one of his friends from college and they'd been so happy that he was finally getting 'better' they didn't try to pick apart his lie. He'd bribed Morgan into not telling his parents that Jack had called earlier. He made sure no one would be able to keep him from going.

When he opened the closet to get dressed, he still grazed the plastic casing with quivering fingers.

Jack had almost fallen asleep when he heard the door click. Eric quietly shut the door behind him and glanced through the blinded window. When he was satisfied he finally took the time to notice Jack. "Hey."

"Hey." Jack rubbed his eyes sleepily. He tried to sit up and bit his lip at the stiffness in his back. Eric rushed over, holding his hand out to make him lean back.

"Careful." He ran a hand through his blonde hair and Jack smiled sadly. He needed the comfort to know that some things hadn't changed. He didn't like the new frown lines or the shadows under Eric's eyes but his nervous habits remained the same. "Maybe you should sleep. I can come back later." He pulled the sheets over Jack again and made to move away when Jack reached for him. His arms were still sore to move but he managed to get Eric's attention.

"Stay." Eric looked unsure, glancing at the door again. "Please." He pleaded that Eric would do this.

"I promised." He grinned and Jack saw a bit of the mischief return to his eyes. He carefully maneuvered his body on the bed. Close to Jack but not enough to misplace anything. He gingerly got an arm around Jack's shoulders and Jack let his head fall on Eric's chest. Maybe if he concentrated really hard on the smell of Eric's soap and the rise and fall of his chest, he could wake up back in bed in their apartment. If he just tried hard enough.

He was halfway asleep when he felt Eric place a kiss gently in his hair. He smiled and started to drift off when he felt warm water drops on his forehead and settling into his hair. Blinking, he drowsily sat up to see Eric covering his mouth tightly as if he could somehow force the tears back inside. He didn't know what to say. He never seemed to know what to say anymore.

Apparently Eric didn't need words. He just held Jack tighter and eventually the shaking stopped. Jack couldn't tell who was meant to be getting better.

Jack woke at the feeling of warm breath misting over his neck. Eric shifted and his face came into view. Jack smiled and pet his hair gently. He'd meant to use last night to get answers but Eric was right, he really needed the sleep. He started to get into a more comfortable position when the door opened. He froze, watching the day nurse scan her eyes over Eric.

"I should report this. Your brother specifically told me to keep him away from you." Jack silently pleaded she wouldn't say anything. Unconsciously, his body shifted in a protective fashion over Eric's slumbering body. "But it's not like I've been listening to those orders anyway. He's been visiting you almost every other day. While you were sleeping, mind you." She eyed Eric's slowly waking form. "I didn't have the heart to turn him down."

Eric yawned, noticing the nurse. "Hey, Liv. How are ya?"

"In trouble. You should leave… pretty soon, actually. Physical therapy at nine and Shawn always shows up at eight. You've got about fifteen minutes."

Eric nodded glumly and set about making sure no traces of his presence could be found. He bent down to kiss Jack's forehead and quietly slipped out of the room. It was only as Jack settled back in bed that he remembered why he'd called Eric in the first place.


	6. Avoidance, Distraction

_**Ch. 6**_

_"You think you can make a fool out of me and I'll just let it slide again, and again and again?" A loud slam and hushed voices made Eric halt outside of the apartment door. He'd noticed a moving van outside on the street of their building. He'd assumed neighbors were moving out but in the back of his mind, he recalled Jack mentioning that his step-father had been giving him grief for staying alone in the apartment with Eric. He suspected that there was more to their relationship, and he wasn't wrong. Eric knew that there was no way Jack would ever be brave enough to tell his family the truth. Now, listening to them fight, he understood why._

_"I'm sorry. I just… wanted to look out for Eric. He's not as smart as I am. He needs me to help him study." Eric frowned. Jack had tried to make it sound like he was putting Eric down but even outside, Eric could hear the waver in his voice. _

_"You can do that over the phone. He doesn't need you here."_

_"You don't need me at home!" Silence, and Eric could swear he heard a quiet cracking sound. Jack made a small whimpering noise and a muffled cry. "Sir."_

_"What?"_

_"I just think that Eric needs me more. Sir." Shuffling. "Please. Don't. Eric will be home soon."_

_"What am I supposed to do? You don't listen to me. You deliberately do the opposite of everything that I tell you to do." Shuffling closer to the door. Quiet, almost nervous shuffling away from the door. "That just makes me think that I'm going to have to do something to show you that I'm not kidding around."_

_More shuffling, faster. A loud slam and a thump as something or someone hit the wall. Then silence. "Please, I'll move out I promise." A loud thud and a peal of laughter as Jack let out a cry of pain. "I promise!"_

_"No. in fact, I don't think we want you back. Stay here with your little boy-toy. I'm sure you can relate to him on a personal level."_

_Sudden movement and another quiet crack. Silence and a sound like a whimper. "What does that mean?" Jack hissed._

_"What do you think it means? You used to be smarter than this." Shuffling closer and closer to the door and Eric had to hurry down the hall as the door opened. Eric waited ten minutes after Jack's stepfather left, trying to understand what he had heard before he jammed his key in the lock. Taking five tries to finally get it in the right way. He knew what it sounded like but he wasn't so quick to jump to conclusions. Jack was old enough to take care of himself but he'd always been less sure of himself around his stepfather. _

_"Jack?" he called out to the empty apartment. "Jack, are you home?" He hoped his acting skills hadn't completely faded away. He noticed the photo frame of Eric and Jack at Rachel's going away party lay broken on the floor. The photo frames on the wall were skewed at odd angles and what looked like smeared blood coated a corner of the wall. _

_Jack appeared out of the bedroom, cradling his wrist. The bone appeared to be forming oddly behind the quickly purpling skin and he held it gently, trying not to shift it any particular way. Eric bounded up the steps, gingerly moving Jack's hands. He noticed a small cut above Jack's eye. _

_"What happened?"_

_"I fell. In the shower. I think I might've broken it. Clumsy me." He smiled humbly, looking Eric in the eye. And if Eric hadn't heard him arguing with his step-father, he might've believed it. He thought back to a time a few months ago when Jack had come back from holiday with his parents sporting a wide bruise on his ribs. He claimed to have fallen down some stairs but, later on when he really thought about it, Eric remembered that Jack's parents' house didn't have any stairs. A lot of memories started to have a new tint to them. _He's been lying to me for months.

_"Jack, that doesn't make sense. I would've noticed it when you took a shower this morning. I was kind of there."_

_Jack studied the hardwood floor. "Well I took another shower this afternoon."_

_"Yeah, only you had classes until four today and if you'd taken one when you got back, your hair would still be wet. Jack, you—"_

_Jack looked Eric straight in the eye, the emotion behind his expression unreadable. He almost seemed… determined. He suddenly launched himself into Eric's arms, forcing his lithe body flush against Eric's with surprising strength. He was thinner than Eric remembered but before he had time to dwell on that thought, Jack's uninjured hand wound itself through Eric's hair. He stared deep into Eric's eyes, barely contained fear shining through his newfound determination._

_Eric swallowed and tried to speak. "Jack—"_

_Jack pulled Eric's lips to his and held him there for a moment, breathing, just long enough for Eric to notice just how intensely his body was shaking. He'd never actually initiated a kiss before, so this was somewhat monumental. Eric started to pull away, the need to say something, anything, to stop the shaking almost overwhelmed him. Jack held him there, his body belying his hidden strength. He shyly maneuvered Eric up the steps and to his bedroom, his tongue sliding past Eric's lips and shaking his ability to speak for good. As Eric was being pulled into Jack's bedroom, Jack somehow managed to keep his surely broken wrist hidden. Every time Eric managed the strength to try and pull away, Jack became stronger and more desperate, pulling himself taller and making their kiss more severe. Finally, Eric gave up and let himself be backed into the room until the backs of his knees touched the bed. Eric tried to block out the warm tears blending into their kiss. He wasn't sure who they belonged to. _

________________________________________________________

Today was a very bad day. For Jack and Shawn. Jack was glaring and making cutting remarks about Shawn's coddling and Shawn had finally decided not to just sit there and take it. They were still throwing insults back and forth when Eric entered. Jack froze, remembering he'd asked Eric to come at ten, which had come and gone seven minutes ago. Shawn was eyeing Eric resentfully.

"What the hell are _you_ doing here? I told you to stay away." He seethed, unaware that this comment finally sent Jack over the edge.

"Don't start that crap again, Shawn! I've been telling you to leave for days now and you haven't gone anywhere. I still have no clue why I'm here and you won't tell me anything. The doctors agree and even the fucking shrink thinks you should tell me. What's your problem?" Shawn's eyes widened. Jack's voice hadn't been that strong and biting in months. He started to respond but Jack made it clear he wasn't finished. "I've gotten sick and tired of your shit. I get it, you're trying to keep me safe but there's a big difference between safe and hidden away. A big fucking difference!"

Eric was eyeing Jack carefully, sensing where this would end up if Shawn decided not to just keep quiet. "You have no idea how much I've changed to be here everyday for you. And I'm sorry if you think I've been hard on you because at least you're alive. You should be…"

"But I'm not am I? And if it wasn't for Eric, I wouldn't have been found in time."

"And if it wasn't for your precious _Eric, _you wouldn't have been hurt at all." Shawn shot back, eyes matching Jack's for intensity. This was one of the few times the two men actually seemed related.

"You don't know that."

"Did he ever tell you about that time months ago, you showed up to my birthday party with bruises and you looked like you hadn't slept in months? I tried to get you to talk to me but you brushed me off and stayed close to him all night. I even went as far as to ask him and he ignored me too. So how am I supposed to trust him?"

"Shawn, Eric didn't do that to me." Jack said, eyes lowered, seemingly trying to sink further into the bed. Eric stood quietly, resisting the urge to apologize. That night he'd been trying to be loyal to Jack without really knowing what secret he was helping Jack to hide. He had his own suspicions but he hadn't gotten answers. He was set on trying to help keep Jack's stress level low. Maybe if he'd just let Shawn help, Jack would've been okay.

"Let me guess, you fell? That's bullshit, Jack."

"Shawn, can we just talk about this later?" If he hadn't of spent days and months observing Jack for any sign or stress, readying himself to care for Jack at any sign of distress, Eric wouldn't have noticed that slowly, and gradually, Jack's body was starting to shake. Eric silently willed Jack to calm down or at least for Shawn to shut up. This situation was quickly approaching panic mode.

"No, we can't. Do you expect me to trust him? After all of that? Either you get him out of here or you start giving me some answers."

Somewhere in the middle of Shawn tirade, Jack started gasping for breath, his eyes going wide. Eric saw the panic washing over Jack's paled features and hurried past Shawn.

"Jack? Look at me. Breathe. Just take a deep breath and focus on breathing with me." Eric commanded, holding Jack's shoulder's firmly to get his attention. Jack concentrated on Eric's worried eyes and tried to breathe but he could already feel the familiar pounding of his heart racing. He panted, eyes traveling to the lamp, the television, Shawn's worried, flushed face, the door, Eric's face, and the tray. Eric gave up and took Jack's face in his hands, watching Jack's gaze immediately focus on him. "Breathe. One, two, three…" Jack was slowly calming down and his heart was slowing down and the fear dissipated.

Shawn watched Eric kiss Jack's forehead as the shaking stopped. When Eric was sure Jack was okay again, he stepped back and finally seemed to take notice that Shawn hadn't left. "Thank you." Jack whispered wearily.

Shawn took Eric down the hall. "Look, I don't know if you showing up was a surprise or if you guys planned it," Eric opened his mouth but Shawn continued. "I don't care. But obviously this isn't working anymore. Maybe it's best if I leave him alone for a while. Come by every two days for a couple of hours. Me staying with him all the time just isn't working out. And you… seem care about him as much as I do."

Eric nodded slowly. "If you're sure."

Shawn shook his head and stalked off towards the elevator. As the door opened, he turned back to Eric. "I'm still don't trust you. Know that. He's getting discharged as soon as Monday so it's not like I could've kept you from him for long." Shawn obviously didn't know Eric had been staying with his parents for the past four weeks. "If I notice any sign, and I mean any sign at all, that you've been hurting him, I'll finish what I started when Jack first got here."

________________________________________________________

_"Shawn! Stop it! What the- what the hell are you doing!" Cory was shouting louder and louder and the only thing he had accomplished was making Eric's headache worse. He turned his head to get Cory to stop when he felt a cold hand slam his head into the light blur plaster of the wall. He heard a crack and felt warm blood trickling down and around the outside surface of his ear. Surprisingly, except for the worsening throb of his headache, Eric barely felt pain from Shawn slamming his head into the wall. Maybe the pain in his heart was jarring enough to distract him._

_"You did this! What the fuck did you say to him?" Eric barely saw Shawn's grimace and reddened face before he felt another punch to his stomach and he was slammed backwards into the wall. The blood smears that contrasted with the light blue paint almost made Eric sick to his stomach. "I could kill you."_

_Cory suddenly appeared, Tuxedo jacket rumpled and undershirt exposed. He was paler than the slowly reddening sheets of the stretcher Jack had been hefted onto. "Shawn! Please, man. Think about what you're saying."_

_But Shawn was past reason. "Cory, stay out of it." His flashing eyes returned to Eric's. "What did you do? What happened?" Eric noticed his parents rushing in, the clicking of his mother's and Morgan's heels. His thoughts kept circling around Jack's slurring voice, echoing. _

"Eric… something makes me hate everything. I can't explain it. Everything's- everything's… everything's shit."

_A crack as Eric's skull collided with the wall again. "Shawn! Stop it. What's the matter with you?" Jack fell. He fell over and over on a track in Eric's head._

_"Shawn, what are you doing?" Alan was shouting, somehow he'd managed to be louder than Cory. Eric wished above all, even above hope for Jack that someone would just make all of the shouting stop. His head was going to explode. His eyes were burning, his head was throbbing, his lungs felt like iron weights and yet, the only pain he could truly feel was the gaping hole in his chest._

_"Get off of me! This piece of shit tried to kill my brother! Look at him! He's fucking covered in blood! His blood—Jack's blood—" Shawn choked and his words broke. _

_Shawn's grip finally slackened to nothing and Eric slid down the wall, not noticing the deep red stains on the paint. He cradled his head in his arms and tucked his head into his knees, barely feeling the shudders as his chest quaked. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I don't know what else to say. I don't even know what happened. I'm sorry. I should've asked for help."_

_In the background, he heard the sounds of the doctors rushing around, sneakers squeaking and scrubs rustling. They were yelling things that Eric couldn't understand. They continued to shout and rush around the hospital until, eventually, Eric couldn't hear anything. _

Jack watched Eric enter the dim lit room. "Where's Shawn?" He was still a little ticked but underneath, a little regretful.

Eric ran a hand through his hair and sat down heavily in the chair. "He decided I should stay with you… until you get discharged. That's about three days from now." He eyed Jack for any sign of disapproval.

Jack tilted his head and lay back, processing the information. "Great. I can't wait to get out of here." He set his sights on Eric. "Then everything can go back to normal, yeah?"

Eric frowned. Normal hadn't been going so well for Eric or Jack. Nonetheless, he nodded. "Yeah. Everything will go back to normal."


	7. Dirty And Left Out

_**Ch. 7**_

"_Jack! What the hell are you doing up there?" Eric crept closer, eyeing Jack warily. He was panting and shirtless standing on the short wall of the bridge. There weren't any cars on this bridge at this hour usually. "Jack?" No response._

_Jack panted, tears streaming down his cheeks unnoticed. His legs were shaking and he could feel his blood pumping furiously. He laughed, the wind making his loose pant legs flap rapidly. He shook as he laughed, not knowing where this urge had come from. He hugged himself tight, staring down at the stop in the woods directly underneath him. It wasn't such a long fall really. _

_Eric watched in shock, not knowing what to do but worried about how close Jack seemed to be to the edge. "Jack? Are you okay?" He got a shaking chuckle as Jack turned to face Eric, his chest heaving as his breath sped._

"_Okay? Am I okay?" He shook his head slowly. "Something makes me hate everything… everythin's shit, Eric. I'm drowning 'n so much… shit." He shrugged, a hopeless expression coming over him. He backed and inch closer to the edge and Eric hurried forward, his heart in his throat. He stood directly below Jack on the bridge. _

"_Jack!" He called, urgency in his voice that Jack just didn't seem to hear. "We shouldn't be up here." _

"_There's so much to do and I can't… it's taking over my life." He laughed sadly, the hollow tone of his voice chilling Eric to the bone. He couldn't figure out who this person was. He didn't sound like Jack and but he'd know those eyes and that voice anywhere. "I thought I was invincible. That nothin' could… nothing could hurt me. But I was stupid. And I know that now… I was trying so hard to be better. For you… for him- I don't know. I just don't understand how he can still control me. After all this time and after… he told all those lies. I can't even tell what's real anymore." He eyed Eric warily from above, a challenging smile on his face. _

"_And you, you think you know me. Everything I do, the lying, the secrets I kept. I did that to protect you. Because just the thought—the thought of me ever hurting you, more than I had already, would've killed me. I never told you all of the shit he made me do. Or just how fucked up I am. I'll carry that shame to my grave." Jack distanced himself from the railing, disappearing from Eric's view for just a moment before he stumbled back towards the edge. "I'm weak, I'm… useless. I'll never understand why you loved me." Eric stood motionless as Jack's body shook with barely controlled hysterics. "He managed to take the one thing, the one thing that ever really mattered." He swallowed, moving inches closer to the edge. "But this… this I can control." _

___________________________________________________

"So, how is everything today Mr. Hunter?" Eric was shaking himself out of another memory as Jack smiled softly at the nurse. It'd been a week since Shawn decided to give up on keeping Eric away from Jack. He'd followed Shawn's lead and decided not to tell Jack everything that had happened. That need to keep Jack's stress level low was still engrained in the back of his mind. Granted Jack didn't have a lot to be worried about; he was still on break from school, he usually only received calls from his mother lately, and his boss had generously keep Jack's position ready.

"Good. Better, now that Shawn stopped playing my mother." He smiled at Eric before a puzzled look took over his face. "Eric, what's wrong?"

The hollow look that usually painted across Eric's face after the memories of that night commonly took about fifteen minutes to go away. Eric ran his hands down his face in an effort to gain composure, wary of Jack's worried expression. "I'm good, fine. Just tired is all."

"Well if the doctors would just send me home already, you'd be able to sleep in a nice, comfortable bed every night." Jack stated, eying the nurse playfully.

She laughed and made a few notes on her clipboard. "You aren't quite ready for discharge, yet. But soon, soon. We just need to monitor your progress for a little while longer." She excused herself and left the room just as Shawn and Cory entered.

Shawn sat down in the chair on the left side of Jack's bed and deliberately ignored Eric's presence. "Jack, how are you feeling today?"

"Shawn, you don't have to ask me that every time you see me. I'm okay. Well not completely. I really wish you guys would tell me why I'm here in the first place. I feel like I have a right to know."

Eric opened his mouth as Shawn shot him a threatening look. "Look—"

"How would you feel if you woke up in a hospital, hear that you've been in the hospital for five weeks and have absolutely no recollection of what happened to put you in the hospital? Pretty fucking confused right?"

Shawn winced, Jack only swore on rare occasions. His parents had brought him up believing those words were for the lower class.

Jack looked as if he was going to continue yelling but Eric interrupted. "Jack, you have to understand that you did what you did because you were under a lot of pressure. I'm not even sure why you were under so much stress in the first place. You used to put so much pressure on yourself; so much so that you started having panic attacks. I'd come home early most days to look after you. It got so bad that I considered calling your parents—"

"Which I never knew about." Shawn interjected, a betrayed look on his face. Cory sighed, at some point Eric had mentioned this.

"But, I knew you would've killed me if I'd done that." Eric sighed, studying the black and white tile on the floor. "I pretty much had to look after you on my own, day after day. It seemed like every night, I'd wake up to find you freaking out about something you forgot to do or hadn't done well enough. You never slept, you never ate. Eventually, I stopped sleeping, stopped eating and… then we were pretty much destroying ourselves together."

Jack was silently, watching Eric with a disbelieving look on his face. Shawn looked somewhat apologetic. Cory's frown deepened. "I… found you that night."

"Found me?" Jack smoothed his sheets and looked up at the two men expectantly.

Eric sighed, steeling himself. "You tried to kill yourself. The night of Cory and Topanga's wedding. The bruises, the black eye and the cracked knee cap… I helped."

___________________________________________________

_Eric was in semi-panic mode. Jack was on the phone and had settled into the defeated posture he gained from speaking with his step-dad. As far as Eric knew, Jack had received graded midterms and he'd gotten two B's and four A's. Eric would kill to get those kinds of grades but he knew Jack wouldn't view them that highly. According to Jack, his step-father couldn't have them and therefore he couldn't have them. Eric was pretty sure everything Jack had ever done was deemed not good enough. There had to be some reason why Jack could never be proud of anything he'd done. While Eric had grasped this, he didn't quite know just how far this belief went. As the phone calls from home increased, Jack's panic attacks became more frequent. Until the point when Jack was having them three times every week._

_Eric still hadn't told anyone._

_Eric sat on the leather couch and listened quietly as Jack walked into the other room. As quietly as possible, he walked over to the other cordless phone and managed to hit the 'talk' button without Jack noticing._

"_You've been lazy. You got all caught up in whatever it is you get up to with that… that boy and you got careless. You know what, sometimes I wonder if you care about your future Jack. Cause I am so sick and tired of being the only one in this family looking out for you. If you wanna blow it all to have a few good laughs with that low-class charity case, then go right ahead. I spent all this time and money to help you prepare for a good life and imagine my surprise and disappointment when I find out it's all been for nothing. You can't ride through life on money and looks alone. After that summer, I'd expect you to remember that." Eric heard Jack make a small whimpering sound._

"_I won't tolerate it Jack. You don't follow my advice and then you do the exact opposite. I told you to settle down with a nice girl, I would've settled for Rachel. And what do you do, you run your relationship into the ground decide to live with him. Even after I stopped paying your rent. I'm not going to ask what sort of work you've been doing to keep up. So, no, you can't call again until you decide that you actually care about your life. This is the last time you come to me to fix your failures. Next time, call Mason."_

_Eric stood there dumbstruck for a while, holding the phone to his ear. When he heard Jack hang up, he set the phone gently into the cradle. Jack walked out, a brush of his hand over his face. His eyes were red but other than that, he looked completely normal. "Hey, so, you had ideas for dinner?"_

_Eric nodded solemnly, trying not to let what he had heard show on his face. He understood enough to know that Jack definitely did not want to talk about it. He tried to keep his mouth shut but it was like his head would explode unless he got answers. "Jack, you got a job?" _

_Jack blinked a few times, a confused look on his face. "How'd you know? Did Shawn tell you?" _

_Eric sighed, running a hand through his hair. "No, I-"_

"_Then what?" Silence. "Eric?"_

_Reluctantly, "I listened to you and your Dad. I'm sorry."_

_He barely choked out his apology before Jack exploded. He stepped so close, his flushed face glaring and practically seething. "Eric, that was private!"_

"_Jack, you got a job so that you could continue to live here when you could've easily just listened to your step-father and found another apartment. That doesn't sound like you at all!"_

"_Well maybe I've changed. I like it here. I like living with you, Eric." He said somberly, shuffling over to the couch to sit down. He refrained from looking Eric in the eye as he tried to quickly gather how much Eric could've overheard. _

"_Why?" Eric countered, a determined look on his face. He just wanted to hear Jack say it. He just wanted to hear it once._

"_You know why."_

"_I want hear you say it."_

"_This is so fucking ridiculous. And you don't get to be mad at me. You listened to _my_ phone call. My personal phone call." It was silent for a while before Eric dared to break the silence again._

"_Who's Mason?" Eric watched while Jack's entire spine appeared to straighten itself into a tense posture. His eyes seemed to shutter into a closed off, blank face. He pulled his knees into his body and shifted into a tense position on his side on the couch._

"_Leave me alone." He muttered._

"_Jack."_

"_Eric." A warning._

"_Who?"_

"_Just a guy that my stepfather worked for. Owned half the block where my parents live. Old friend of the family." He sneered the last bit, avoided Eric's eyes._

"_Your dad wanted you to ask him for money?"_

"_No, he wanted to remind me who owns me." He spat out._

"_What?"_

"_Eric, there are some aspects of my past that you wouldn't understand. And when I say that I don't want to talk about it—"_

"_Please."_

_Silence for a long moment while Jack tried to predict what would happen if he told Eric the truth. He'd been lying and avoiding Eric ever since his arguments with his step-father had grown more frequent and, for the first time in six years, violent. He decided to take a chance and tell Eric something true to make up for the lies he'd been shamelessly inventing the past few weeks. _

"_When I was fifteen, my step-father caught me with one of my friends fooling around in my room. I thought he'd yell at me but he didn't say anything. He didn't seem to care. A week later, he sent me to work for Mason. A summer job to teach me responsibility. I remember he put me to work with his secretary in his private office."_

_Eric interrupted, "Do I want to hear the rest of this?" He'd already gathered a sense of where this was going to go._

"_The first six weeks were amazing. He gave me light tasks to do. Filing, typing memos, gathering coffee and lunch for everyone. Sometimes, he would give me tips on business and occasionally he would slip me brochures for colleges. I remember liking him because they were always for colleges out of state and far away from my parents. He knew how much I hated my step-father. He sort of became the father-figure I never had. We had lunch everyday in his office. At first, his secretary would join us. Somewhere along the line I think he told her not to. I don't remember how I felt about that. I just remember thinking that it was really nice to have this guy, this really rich and busy guy taking time out of his day to talk to me. He just actually seemed to care about what I thought and how I felt about things. I'd never had that before, you know?" _

_He smiled ruefully at Eric, his eyes a little glassy. Eric frowned, feeling sorry for his comment earlier. He watched as Jack slowly, slid his body lower down the couch until he was lying on his side, his knees still held tightly to his chest._

"_I mean, what did it matter that occasionally, the way he looked at me made uncomfortable? And sometimes, the things he said made me feel dirty. And sometimes, when he touched me, my hair, my face, my back, my legs or when he used to…" he swallowed, the memory making his blood flow speed. His face scrunched up and he hissed the rest through tightly clenched teeth, "When he used to brush up against me or… I played dumb, for a long time. I mean," he grinned at Eric a little manically, eyes glassy. "I finally got the one thing I'd wanted so badly my entire fucking life. A real dad, even if it was only temporary. I started going into work early and leaving late. I became obsessed with him. And I think that I was actually under the delusion that he felt the same way about me." Jack let out a choked laugh, tears finally rolled down his cheek. "I was actually under the delusion that _anyone_ could feel that way about me." _

_Eric shook his head and uttered "Jack," in a hollow tone. Jack shook, as if suddenly remembering that Eric was there._

"_I was stacking boxes of files and I'd just gone into the supply room to get more tape when I heard the door close. I looked up to see Mason locking the door. He took a couple of steps closer and before I had time to blink, he was right in front of me. Instincts told me to run but… I had my stepfather's voice in my head telling me that I better just do whatever he wants. So I just stood there, watching him looking over me like a piece of meat. I was fifteen and he was thirty-seven. It wasn't like there was much I could do anyway, right? He brushed his fingers against my face and I dropped the tape I was holding. I hadn't really been with anyone in that way before, except for Wes, you know? And he was so close and I could feel my blood flowing everywhere. He leaned closer, I tried to move away but he gripped my chin and held me in place. He whispered in my ear, I still remember it exactly, 'Do you know what you do to me? Here?' He grabbed my hand, held my chin still and he moved my hand to his dick and held it there. I kept quiet… trying to figure a way out without pissing him off. He was scaring me but I still didn't want to lose him. I needed him. He meant… a lot to me. But then he started… touching me; my ass and between my legs. And then… I knew I shouldn't have, I had my stepfather's voice telling me not to…"_

"_You went for it?" Eric demanded, a look of barely contained disgust on his face. He was determined not to show any emotion, at the risk of making Jack shut himself away again. But this was harder than he thought it'd be. He couldn't predict the end of the story anymore._

"_I tried to get away from him. I said anything, _anything_ I could think of to distract him. I think I even told him that I would feel more comfortable doing this in his office and could we please, please, go there instead. He just… laughed at me. He laughed, said 'We're fine right here.' And he started to unbutton his slacks. I started to beg. I hadn't realized just how much bigger than me he was. I gave up and I begged him to stop and let me go." Jack buried his head in his knees and his shoulders shook jerkily. At first glance, he appeared to be crying but when he lifted his head again, Eric realized that he was actually laughing. Laughing hysterically as the remnants of the memory painted his face._

"_I actually said 'please'. 'Please', I said—I said 'Please, let me go. I won't tell anyone.' He laughed at me again, and started massaging me through my pants. I remember feeling so… weak and pathetic. I was hard and the feeling made me sick to my stomach. And his cologne… his fucking cologne was everywhere. All over me, all over my skin. I felt like it was suffocating me until, after a while, I felt like I was going to throw up."_

_Jack paused for a moment, brushing a hand over his throat, as if he was struggling not to throw up even now. " I tried pushing him away but he slapped me across the face, told me to stop fighting and he started ramming me into the shelf with his body; mocking my reaction, saying that he could feel that I was hard and did I know what it felt like to be… to be _fucked_ by a real man. It wasn't until he started to stick his hand down my pants that I lost it. I wasn't thinking, I just felt so… degraded and worthless. I kneed him. He fell down and smacked his head on the metal shelves behind me. I ran for it, I ran out of the room and I was so scared I took the stairs from the fourteenth floor. I didn't go home that night. I was so terrified. I didn't know what Mason would tell my dad and I knew that I couldn't risk it. I stayed at a friend's for three months, told him to ignore my father's calls. Knowing full and well that ignoring him just made him angrier."_

"_What happened when you went home?" Eric asked, crossing his arms._

"_My dad yelled at me for hours. Mason wasn't stupid enough to sue me; he knew I'd tell the truth. But he also knew, no matter how much evidence I had or didn't have, my father wouldn't believe a word against him. So he called my dad and told him some far-fetched story about me assaulting him and how he'd been questioning my mental stability. My dad actually paid _him_ hush money. And he never let me forget it. I still owe him eight hundred."_

_Eric sat next to him on the couch. He tentatively reached a hand out to touch Jack's hair, waiting for Jack to signal that it was okay. He gently ran his fingers through Jack's hair, trying to concentrate on Jack's next words. "Jack, you did the right thing."_

_Jack laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "You'd think so. That night, he threw me into my bedroom wall so hard I fell down and broke my arm. Merry Christmas to me."_

"_Jack." Jack winced. Eric sounded so pained, so broken. Eric made a move to stop touching him but stopped at the fearful look on Jack's face. "I can't… I don't know what to say."_

_It was silent as Jack lay there on his side stiffly, trying to push away the relief he felt from getting his story out. It wasn't worth it for Eric to sound so small. _

"_But do you want to know what the best part of all of it was?" He didn't wait for an answer. "I told my mom what happened, two months later. Somehow, he overheard. He knew, the whole time. It was the reason he got me the job. He said, 'If you're going to be a fag, you might as well get paid for it.'" _

___________________________________________________

Eric unlocked the door to the apartment, taking in the smell of dust and the hardwood floor. He hadn't stepped foot inside this place except to get clothes and even then, he hurried as fast as he could because it didn't feel right. It just felt wrong without Jack. He held the door with his foot as Jack shuffled inside.

"Everything's the same. It's like I never left." He grinned brightly and Eric tried to smile in return but as he scanned the apartment, he kept noticing the remnants of those weeks of hell Jack created for both of them. The spot where the mug they'd filled with dirt and plant Mr. Feeny had given them was missing. The loose hinge on the cabinet third from the right. Hidden in subtle corners, more reminders lay ready to show Eric they still mattered.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked, leaning into Eric's side.

"Nothing." Eric assured, setting Jack's duffle bag on the counter. "Let's get you settled, okay?"

Jack had been discharged on the condition that he still came in for check-ups at least once a month and that he take it easy or at least another three weeks. Eric was happy to have Jack home but not all that convinced that he, himself, was ready to have Jack home. Jack was due to return to school the next week and work the week after. Jack wouldn't be able to avoid his parents forever now that he was home. It would be hard for Jack to catch on all the work he had missed. He'd have to take summer classes. All of this had the potential to create the Never-ending Cycle again.

"Hey, check it out.' Jack said, rushing over to the table where Eric had dropped the large pile of mail. "Mr. Feeny kept his word. It's all my coursework from school. If I try hard enough, I can be caught up by Tuesday."

"Three days? Jack, I think you should give yourself a break. You just got out of hospital—don't overwork yourself—" Eric was trying to keep the fear out of his voice. Jack pulled himself to Eric's height and kissed him quickly but fluently.

"Eric, stop worrying, I'll be fine. I've been on break for long enough. The old Jack would've died if he let himself get this far behind." He smiled, piled the work in his arms and started to the bedroom.

"He almost did." Eric whispered to the empty room.


	8. You Burn First

_**Ch. 8**_

Eric rolled over, sighing. Jack had fallen asleep ages ago, babbling away about how great it was to be home with Eric. To be away from the smell of the hospital and the freakishly white walls and the sounds of beeping machines. Eric just nodded along and held Jack close, relishing the feel of his skin and the sound of his voice that had finally returned to its somber tones. He held Jack and smiled, trying to keep the sadness out of his voice as he agreed half-heartedly. He didn't think he'd be able to sleep tonight. He stared out the window at the orange sky. If he had to guess, he'd say it was about two in the morning.

He lay awake thinking about the coming weeks and how he could possibly keep Jack from repeating everything all over again. He'd pushed himself to finish his coursework in a day and a half. Eric had come home from the grocery store two weeks ago to find him on the phone with Feeny requesting extra credit 'just in case'.

Eric sighed again, his weariness fully taking over. He was staring at the night sky until, gradually, it turned into a dark, almost black canvas, bordered by large, reaching evergreens…

_­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­____________________________________________________________

_Eric stared at the point of Jack's chin as he stared up at the dark sky, stars appearing with the absence of the city lights. He spread his arms out wide and leaned as far as possible forward, appearing like a giant shirtless bird posed to take flight._

"_Jack." Eric's voice was quickly becoming sharp and biting. He was lashing out over the fear turning his stomach like a blender on 'whip'. "Jack! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to… tell me what I'm supposed to do for you!"_

_Jack kept talking, as if Eric had never spoken. "But everythin's gonna be okay now, Eric. So,… so, so you don't have to worry anymore. You don't have to worry," he choked and coughed a few times. "You don't have to worry about if I'm eating or if I'm… or if I'm sleeping enough. And you don't," he shrugged apologetically, watching Eric from above. "You don't have to, to love a fucking basketcase who just can't seem to love you back. Can't love you back the way you want; like they should."_

"_Jack—"_

"_Because they should. They fucking should. You deserve better than me." Jack shook his head, and Eric imagined he could see Jack's hand wiping absently at his cheek._

_Eric began to shiver and he saw Jack's foot falter above. He had to do something but he was frozen to that spot. "Jack, please. I love you so much. I don't… I'm not going to stop. Not now, not ever." But Jack carried on again._

"_And you don't have to be afraid anymore. Because… everythin's going to be okay now, Eric. Everythin's gonna be okay in a minute. Everythin's going to be…" And then Jack was, almost gracefully and fluidly, falling falling falling to the inharmonious soundtrack of Eric's grating screaming. _

_­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­____________________________________________________________

Eric jerked awake, feeling a weight falling off of his chest. He reached out in the dark, the back of his hand brushing against warm skin. "Jack?"

"Eric? What's going on?" Jack asked drowsily. "Bad dream?"

Eric nodded, lying back slowly, trying to ignore his sweat-soaked t-shirt chilling his warm skin. Jack settled back on top of him and seemed to fall asleep again instantly.

Eric tried to sleep again but every time his lids closed, he was bombarded with the vision of Jack' speeding to the forest floor. The sickening thud jerking him awake hour by hour.

Jack stumbled out of bed, silently making his way to the bathroom. It was around four a.m and he was trying hard to keep his steps quiet. He had to crawl carefully over Eric's slumbering form to get out of bed. He could tell that Eric hadn't quite gotten over his nightmare. He had a vague idea of what it was about.

He turned the light on in the bathroom and studied his reflection. His eyes were weary but the bruising had faded away and so had the bruises on the rest of his body; his back, shoulders and abdomen. His hair could use a trim and he hadn't shaved in a while. He looked better and he felt better. At least partially. He still felt guilty at hearing Eric talk in his sleep.

He hadn't noticed how tired he'd seemed lately. He didn't make jokes as often as he used to, he stopped pestering Jack to eat and he'd stopped trying to keep Jack from working so hard. Now that he thought about it, Jack was sure Eric had been eating even less than he had. He seemed to have given up trying. Now, whenever Jack made an excuse to keep working or skipped a meal, Eric closed off and kept silent. Before, Jack would've given anything to get Eric to stop caring. Now that he finally had, Jack was more scared than he cared to admit. And after what Eric had told him, about life before the accident, he couldn't stop feeling like Eric would've been so much better off if he'd just given up on Jack a long time ago.

"I told you when this started… someday I'll fuck this up." The reflection whispered.

___________________________________________________

_Jack couldn't put it into words. He'd find himself staring at the subtle curve of Eric's hips when he should've been studying theorems. Eying the way he bit his lip when he received exam results. The way his face seemed devoid of any worries while he slept. He told himself it was only because he had started living with Eric and was still discovering things about him. He could tell himself anything, anything at all. But he wasn't an idiot and he'd been raised to face facts, however unpleasant, at an early age._

_So far, Jack thought he'd been getting away with it until he noticed that more often than not, Eric caught him staring. He'd play it off with a shy smile and a shrug and that was fine until the second week of exams._

_Jack had been eying the sliver of skin present above Eric's ratty, old Levi's for the better part of half an hour. He was supposed to be revising but the scattered notes on his spiral had long since faded into a jumbled mass. The sketched picture of Eric's face in the corner the only clear image in the collage of pencil marks. He was lost somewhere in his head where he was a braver, more confident Jack. This Jack stood up from his chair, grabbed Eric and pushed him up against the counter and then proceeded to have his way with him. This Jack had Eric's shirt on the ground in thirty seconds._

_Real Jack had been imagining this scenario over and over in his head, not noticing the eyes on his face. Eric had been washing the same glass for about fifteen minutes now. He was pretty sure he'd rubbed off the insignia by now. His eyes kept coming back to the gentle curve of Jack's neck as he bent over his notebook. He wondered whether the skin was as soft, warm and inviting as it looked. He couldn't stop wanting to run his tongue over that small area where Jack's jaw met his neck. He could see himself dropping the glass on the floor and pulling Jack out of his chair. He'd pull the smaller man against him, kiss him feverishly, drag him into Eric's room, force him onto the bed and… _

_Unaware, Eric let out a small groan, shaking Jack out of his reverie. He stared at Eric bemused. "What'd you say?"_

_"Nothing." He finally set down the glass and set it down on the towel on the counter. He dried his hands and turned around, leaning back against the counter. Jack was still silently studying him, his pen slipping from his fingers. He continued to stare and eventually Eric noticed Jack's eyes were settled somewhere beneath his waist. He quickly glanced down, he was wearing baggy jeans so the effects of his wandering thoughts weren't obvious. He met Jack's eyes, confused._

_"What?" He asked, a grin on his face. Jack's face reddened a bit and he returned his eyes to the large textbook on the table in front of him. Eric, bored, shuffled over to the table. He sat lightly against its edge. He sat there, eyes fixated on Jack's slender hands, his fingers, his nails. His mind began wandering again and he saw himself kneeling over Jack on his bed, Jack's carefully maintained nails scratching the soft skin of his back. He could almost hear the smaller man calling out his name and…_

_Jack couldn't concentrate. Eric's long-standing stares were making it harder for him to stay on task. He kept picturing running his tongue over the curve of Eric's hip, biting the tempting skin below his navel, making Eric beg for him to… no! He had to focus, he had a test over five chapters that Friday. He had to concentrate. He stared at the blurring words of the text for a few more minutes before letting his head fall onto the table. _

_Eric sighed, shaking himself out of more thoughts. He stood and stretched, hearing his back pop. Jack's carefully averted his eyes. "Shower." He skipped up the stairs and into the bathroom. Jack kept his head down, trying to will his body to behave._

_When Eric emerged from the shower, he quickly grabbed a towel before hurrying into his room for his shaving kit. He found Jack sitting on his bed, an odd look on his face. "Jack?" The younger man was sitting with his hands in his lap, head down studying them. "Jack?"_

_Jack stood, took a few calculating steps toward Eric, the tension between them growing thicker as Eric started to tremble slightly. He opened his mouth as if deciding to speak before closing it again. Eric had seen Jack determined before but this was different. He appeared as if he was trying _not_ to do something. Finally, he was so close Eric could see every line, however slight, on Jack's face. Jack exhaled and Eric inhaled. He ducked his head for a moment, shaking his head. He started to back away but Eric, unsure of what had come over him, reached out for his arm. The touch sent a shock through his body, making his quiet shaking worsen. Jack lifted his head, dark, almost black eyes started back at him, drenched in a feeling Eric had never seen on Jack's face before. He pulled Jack tight to his body, feeling the towel fall away in the space it took for Jack's body to meet his. _

_"Eric," The rest of his words swallowed as Eric's mouth met his. The small sound Jack made in the back of his throat was almost pained. He started to push Eric away, trying to do so with as little contact as possible. As if Eric's skin burned, and maybe it had. Eric let himself be pushed, standing there in his bedroom, bare and exposed. Jack stared as Eric ducked his head. Jack's eyes never straying away from his face. "I can't… I'm- but you're so…" Silence and the room seemed to blur as Eric found himself being shoved into the doorjamb behind him, Jack's lips locked on his. Jack held Eric's hips tight in his hand, pressed himself harder into Eric's naked body. As if he was trying to something mold himself into Eric. As if he was somehow trying to force, to push himself inside of him to somehow become whole again._

_After, Eric tried to talk to Jack about what exactly they'd just done. Jack refused to answer, choosing to instead lay his head across Eric's chest, hands playing idly with his skin. He sighed, laying his ear to Eric's heart, breathing in time with Eric's breaths. "Someday I'll fuck this up." He sat up, looking Eric in the eye. "And then you have my permission to leave. You can run as far as you can."_

___________________________________________________

Eric woke abruptly. He wasn't sure what it was that woke him. He listened, motionless. He heard absolute silence. It was completely silent. It was too quiet. Eric threw himself out of bed as quickly as possible, he sprinted into the bathroom. It was empty.

He hurried down the stairs, his steps echoing in the empty apartment. He hurried to check Jack's old room. Empty. "Jack?" he whispered feebly. Eric shrank weakly onto the dusty hardwood floor. No one had really been in this room since Jack had developed the cleaning obsession months ago. Eric's chest ached; even empty rooms reminded him of Jack.

_Where would he go? Did I say something, did I do something wrong? _The last thing Eric remembered was getting back into bed and finding Jack fast asleep. Eric weakly slid up the wall to a standing position. He left the room, stumbled down the stairs to the table Jack often used as a desk. It was covered in papers and textbooks and pens. Eric noted that the pile of Jack's unfinished work was largely greater than the pile of Jacks finished work. Eric shook his head slowly, disbelieving.

He practically floated over to the fridge. The groceries he'd bought weeks ago appeared untouched. With the exception of the alcohol he'd bought on a whim. Three pint-sized bottles were missing.

"No." Eric mumbled, shaking his head. With newfound strength, he hurried over to the empty cordless phone cradle. He smashed the 'call' button, the force knocking the machine to the floor. He heard the three repeated tones coming from underneath the couch cushions. As he reached them, he kicked the coffee table out of his way, threw the standing lamp to the ground, hearing a satisfying sound of the lightbulb breaking. He frantically pulled the cushions from the couch, tossing them over his shoulder. The zipper on the back of one of them created a thin cut five inches long on the inside of his arm but he didn't feel it.

"No, no, no… no, there's no way…" Eric picked up the cordless phone in an almost dreamlike state. His hands were shaking as he checked the missed calls list. "No, no, no…" He scrolled and scrolled until he got to missed calls from yesterday. 'Toller and Dale Developers' blinked back at him… the very symbol of his failure. "Fuck."

He threw the phone as hard as he could against the wall, but the crack wasn't loud enough for him. He picked up the coffee table and threw it into the wall, a couple of picture frames on the counter following soon after. He was incapable of feeling anything and he hated it. He rammed his body into anything close, trying to break wood, glass or even bone. He wanted Jack, he wanted pain, he wanted the friend he'd had before, and he wanted the love he wasn't even sure he'd had. He punched the wall over and over as hard as he could, his bloodied knuckles leaving red stains on the walls next the stains Jack had left there so many weeks ago. It wasn't like anything mattered anymore. He couldn't take care of Jack. He'd been given another chance and he'd failed all over again.

He'd failed again. He'd ruined everything. Everything they'd gone through… and it'd all just happened again. Eric screamed and threw his wrecked body up the stairs. There were still a few things he could break.

Jack rubbed his eyes, tired from walking all night. He needed to clear his mind and rather than throwing himself into work, he decided to take a walk. It made him feel less guilty and it took him away from Eric. Far enough for him to get some rest without worrying about Jack sitting wide awake next to him.

He had just pulled out his keys when Mrs. Henry, their neighbor down the hall called his name. She was a quiet lady who smiled as often as Eric used to. "Oh, hello dear. Well, you appear very well this morning." She observed, a small frown on her face. _Great, it seems I make everyone unhappy these days._

"Should I not be?"

"Well, I heard shouting and scraping furniture and just… you two made quite the ruckus last night. I thought you were having some sort of argument."

Confused, Jack shook his head. "No, we didn't argue. Maybe it was Mr. and Mrs. Young."

"Maybe." She agreed, her smile smaller than usual. She bustled down the hall, patting Jack on the back as she passed.

When the elevator doors closed, Jack hurried to open the front door and stepped into what used to be his living room. The furniture was all displaced and the majority of it seemed to be crushed. The coffee table was almost unrecognizable. Pieces of it lay everywhere. The stuffing in some of the couch's pillows littered the floor. Some of it appearing in the kitchen sink.

Worried, Jack called out. "Eric?" No response. He rushed up the stairs, tripping a bit in his drowsy state, checked his old room and noticed more broken furniture. Though a picture of him and Shawn lay unbroken on the dusty floor. He checked their room, which had remained practically untouched by Eric's rage. He hurried to the bathroom.

The tile floor was covered in shining, reflecting glass, the sound of it crunching underneath Jack's shoes. The shower was running cold water and judging by Eric's pale pink skin, it had been running cold water for a while. "Eric!" Jack dropped to his knees and crawled to the tub, quickly turning the water off. Eric was barely breathing and, though he was ice cold to the touch, he wasn't shivering. Jack shook his wet body. "Eric! Wake up!" He shook harder, throwing the last of his energy into it. "Eric! Please!"

He shook him over and over for what felt like an hour. And still Eric showed no sign of movement. Jack gave up and he crawled into their bedroom and reached for the cell phone on the table nearest to him. He could barely push the numbers to dial the Matthew's number. Cory picked up on the third ring, sounding really cheery.

"Hey Eric, good morning." He greeted and Jack could hear the sounds of breakfast at the Matthew's in the background. "Eric?"

Jack sighed. "Cory. Something's wrong with Eric. He won't wake up an' he's ice cold. I didn't know what to do so… so I called you."

He thought he got the words out but he was just so tired. All he wanted to do was just sleep. He wanted to climb into their bed and lie down and pull the covers up. He wanted to lie close to Eric and fall asleep in his warmth. And really, why was it so important that he finish talking to Cory right now. And Eric was gong to be so upset when he found out how long he'd been awake this time. Jack's head fell back against the mattress, the phone falling from his loose grip. Cory's muffled voice shouting from the other end.

"Jack? Jack! You said something's wrong with Eric? Jack!"


	9. Can You Save Me From Me?

_**Ch.9**_

_"Jack. You look horrible. What happened to you?" Shawn asked, lifting Jack's chin and staring at the bruised marring his face and the dark circles under his eyes. Shawn hadn't seen Jack in a while. He'd been practically shut up that apartment with Eric, only coming out of it to work and go to classes. And even then, Jack always rushed out of the classes he shared with Shawn that no one really had the time to say anything to him. He looked thinner, looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks. _

_"I'm fine Shawn. I'm just a bit tired. I've been working and falling behind on my schoolwork. That's all it is. Have you seen Eric?" He stood on his toes, trying to see over Shawn, eyeing the party for the familiar blonde. _

_"Jack. Don't lie to me. I haven't seen you in months, man. What's up?"_

_Avoiding again, "Nothing. Now can you please help me find Eric." Jack knew Eric would help him home. He was starting to really feel the effects of the all-nighter he pulled last night. And the night before that. And the night before that._

_"Jack, please, just tell me what—" Shawn tried again._

_"Eric." Jack cheered, wrapping his arms around Eric. Shawn frowned. He had noticed their sudden closeness but hadn't really put it together properly. Now, watching Jack's arms fluidly embrace Eric's body, Shawn understood. _

_"Hey. Shawn." He nodded, Shawn took the time to notice that Eric didn't really look much better than Jack. "You ready to go home?"_

_Jack nodded, leaning his head against Eric's chest. He was really too tired to care what Shawn or the Matthews noticed right now. He'd found himself kissing Eric or touching him more often in public lately. That part of him that cared about keeping up appearances seemed to be wearing away with his fatigue. He just couldn't get himself to care anymore. Not when he was tired and cold and Eric was soft and inviting._

_Eric's chin rested on the top of Jack's head as he spoke to Shawn. "I'm going to take him home. Can you tell Cor that we—"_

_Shawn shook his head. "Eric, I need to talk to you."_

_Eric frowned, blinking slowly. "Can this wait? He's really—"_

_"Now." Eric's eyes widened. They stared off for a minute before, with a vague expression of irritation, Eric gently shook Jack off and whispered something to him. Jack nodded and walked away sleepily with car keys in his hand. _

_"What?"_

_"He looks like shit." Shawn said bluntly, noting that Eric didn't appear too objective._

_"Well you're feeling friendly tonight."_

_"Eric." Shawn stepped closer to Eric, frustration obvious. "Don't play with me."_

_"I'm not. He's just been working pretty hard. And he's had trouble sleeping."_

_"That explains the circles under his eyes but not the bruises. What happened?"_

_Now Eric looked nervous. He shifted his weight from his let foot to his right and refused to meet Shawn's eye. When he finally spoke again, it was with great reluctance. "That, I can't explain."_

_"You can't explain? Eric, if you guys are having problems… if you did anything—"_

_"No! Nothing like that. I would never—how could you think that I would—no. That's ridiculous. I would never hurt Jack."_

_"Yeah, maybe not intentionally but—"Shawn started, his face quickly becoming flushed._

_Eric leaned in closer, his face inches from Shawn's. His eyes intensely sincere. "No, never."_

_Shawn wasn't hearing him. "Maybe you got in an argument and it got heated. I can understand but you—" Eric shoved Shawn, he stumbled backwards but didn't fall. He looked more surprised than angry._

_"I didn't hurt him." He paused, a guilty look shadowed in his eyes. "At least not in the way you think."_

_"Eric, I'm just trying—"_

_"Now I've got to get back to Jack. He's too tired to drive home by himself." The skeptical look on Shawn's face suggested he didn't think Eric would be able to make it home much better than Jack would. "You want answers and I can't give them to you."_

_"Eric." Shawn insisted, realizing he was losing the fight._

_"They're not mine to give."_

___________________________________________________

"Is this payback? Are you punishing me?" He shouted aloud. Jack had managed, with help from Shawn and Cory, get Eric into bed. "Why would you do something so fucking stupid."

Eric winced, but he couldn't answer. His tongue felt glued to the top of his mouth. He managed to get out a stuttered "I'm sorry" through clenched teeth.

"Don't be sorry, explain this to me."

Jack watched Eric struggle for a coherent response. It was a long while before he finally answered through difficult breaths. "Wanted to … stay awake. In case… you came back."

Jack was actually stressed for words. He managed a, "In case I came back… where the fuck was I going to go?" And in response to Eric's confused expression, "You two have kept me prisoner for over a month now. I doubt I have any friends left."

"Your-" Shawn started.

"Yeah, because I was really going to go running back to my stepfather after he cut me off."

Eric shut his eyes and rolled over onto his side, facing the wall rather than Shawn and Jack's argument.

___________________________________________________

_Eric playfully pushed Jack into the wall behind him. His hands were sneaking into Jack's tux shirt, lingering on the warm skin underneath. His mischievous smirk widened as Jack shivered. He brushed kisses along Jack's neck, the starch of his shirt collar brushing his chin. He could hear the soft sounds Jack was making in his ear._

_Jack let his head fall backwards, smiling up at the dimly lit ceiling. Everyone from the party was inside the ballroom. There were in a quiet secluded hallway, the bass of the music making the walls further down shake. Eric pulled back, grinning at the affronted look Jack gave him._

_He stopped because he needed to tell Jack how he felt. He thought maybe Jack had guessed at some point, but he needed to say it. He needed to hear and feel the way the words sounded coming from his mouth. Jack tilted his head to the side, a bemused look coming over his face. Distracted, Eric whispered the words before he had even realized they'd crossed his mind. "Do you know what you do to me?"_

_Jack froze, a sudden tension arising between them. Jack's face seemed to wash away, leaving a twisted, distorted version in its wake. An ugly, gut-wrenching rage, turning Jack's face into a fierce pained expression. For a brief moment, Eric was more afraid than he could ever remember being before in his life. "Jack?" He moved to brush Jack's arm but he jerked away as if he'd been burned._

_"Get the fuck away from me." He shoved away from the corner and Eric and turned the corner before Eric could stutter another word. It was only as Eric followed Jack into the ballroom that he realized what he'd done wrong. He sighed, smacking his head into the wall. "Christ."_

_"Jack. Jack. I'm sorry, will you talk to me?" Eric asked, following Jack as he drunkenly maneuvered his way around the desert table. _

_Jack shook his head childishly. "Nope. I'm tired of being your plaything."_

_"Jack. You're not—" He tried to grab his arm again but Jack laughingly jerked away from him, almost stumbling onto a seated elderly couple._

_"Don't touch me."_

_"Jack, if you just let me—"_

_Jack laughed harshly. "Let you what? Grope me? Fuck me? Or do you just want to 'talk' to me again?" He spat, stopping Eric's ministrations. "Cause obviously that didn't work out too well the last time."_

_"Jack." He tried hopelessly as the younger man was swept into the crowd. "Jack!" Bodies tall and short, old and young blocked his view of the shorter, drunken man. He hurried as fast and as rudely as possible to get through to Jack who was shoving his path to the double doors. When Eric finally caught up to Jack outside in the parking lot, he was out of breath and flushed._

_"Jack, I didn't mean to say what I said. I wasn't thinking." Eric gasped, trying to breath steadily._

_Jack glared at him, eyes glassy. "You never do."_

_­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_

_"Jack, please. If you just talk to me, I can explain." Eric swallowed, having finally caught up to Jack outside in the parking lot.. "What I mean to say is that—"_

_Suddenly Jack gripped the front of Eric's suit and jerked him forward into Jack's chest. He crashed their lips together, teeth gnashing Eric's bottom lip. His hands quickly traveled into Eric's shirt and along the curve of his waist. Jack met his hips with his own and seemed to bite harder at the sounds Eric made. His hands were so swift, movements so sure and despite the situation, Eric felt his body start to respond. He soon met the intensity of the kiss and matched Jack thrust for thrust. Jack started to unbutton his shirt, he whispered words that blended into the violent kiss._

_"See, this is what you want. This is what you want from me." Eric's eyes snapped open and he finally saw the pain in Jack's features. He tried to halt Jack's ministrations only to find himself being slammed into the concrete wall of the building._

_"Jack. Jack, stop." Eric said between breaths. "You don't want this."_

_At these words, Jack shoved him back, hard into the wall. "How do you know what I want?" He snarled. "You don't know anything about me." He made a move to shove Eric again and swallowed a scream when Eric caught his hands. _

_Eric held on as tight as he could, looking Jack straight in the eye. "I know that I love you. I also know that the Jack I love would never hurt me."_

_"This Jack you love isn't real. He was perfect and I'll never be perfect."_

_Eric reached for his wrist again but Jack was faster. He threw a fist into Eric's face and hurried to his feet. He raced toward the woods, his tuxedo jacket trailing behind him. _

___________________________________________________

"I just wanted to stay awake. I took a shower to stay awake. I didn't know what to do. I woke up and you weren't there. I felt like it was all gong to happen again." Eric whispered, aware that Jack could barely hear him. He eyed the skeptical look on Jack's face. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I'm not you."

Jack's eyes darkened and he withdrew all contact with Eric. "That's for damn sure. At least people trust that you won't do something stupid when you're out of their line of sight for more than a minute. God forbid I swallow dishwashing liquid or cut myself with a box cutter. You should probably move me to a safe room. I don't think I could stop myself; there's so many things I could swallow or burn myself with."

"Jack-" Eric started, regret showing on his stiff features. He wasn't shivering but he should've been.

"No." He leaned in closer to Eric's bed. "Eric, I leave for an hour and you freak out." He shook his head, looking around the bedroom. "I just don't know. I don't think this is going to work. Not if you don't trust me. I'll… I'm just going to pack up some of my stuff and I'm going to stay with Shawn for a while." Eric winced, not even bothering to hide the fear in his eyes. Jack lowered his head, studying his running shoes. He couldn't keep speaking when Eric looked so pained.

"Jack, it's not that I don't trust you. I just don't know how to help you—"

"You mean you don't know how to control me. Crazy Jack, right? Can't control him. Can't save him from himself." He kissed Eric briefly on the lips before slipping out of the room, swallowing hard at Eric desperate grasping fingers. "Well you don't have to work so hard anymore."

Eric sat there for a moment, listening to every sound Jack made throughout the apartment. "Jack! Please!" A quiet click as the front door closed.

Cory waited approximately twenty minutes before daring to check on Eric. He felt like he should've waited longer. Seeing Eric return to his former self, seeing the similar shadows haunting his face made Cory wish Jack had never woken up in the first place.


	10. Weathered

Eric didn't know when it happened, but he couldn't consider the rest of his life without Jack in it. Even before they'd begun this relationship that Jack refused to name, he'd held the belief that Jack would remain in his life in some context. And now that he wasn't, well Eric just didn't know what to do with himself.

Before Jack got hurt, Eric spent his days worrying about whether or not Jack had eaten or slept. Whether he made it to school okay or was pushing himself too hard. He used to end every class by rushing into the hallway to call home to see if Jack was there instead of in class. It was a nervous habit that became ritualized after Jack's worst attack caused him to stay home as much as sensibly possible.

_It was one of the worst days of Eric's life. The night before, Eric had spent hours watching Jack sleep, the tense expression on his face smoothed out into almost juvenile openness. And he'd felt lulled into the belief that maybe it would get better, this anxiety that had taken to fully encompassing their lives. Maybe he wouldn't have to rush home every day to make sure Jack hadn't thrown away the food Eric had left him. Maybe he wouldn't have to keep making excuses to everyone as to why they couldn't make it to lunch or dinner parties. He'd started to picture what it would be like to be able to simply hold Jack in his arms through the night instead of being woken up at four in the morning so that Jack could finish the rest of his coursework. _

_He came home the next day, slightly confident he wouldn't find Jack near panic at the table they used for school work. Instead, he found Jack flushed and gasping for breath in a ball on the floor. Littered around him in small piles were what looked like bills and receipts. The phone lay broken into pieces a few feet away. And Eric had just stood there in the doorway, unable to move. He watched Jack start to become more and more desperate until he finally was able to leave the apartment. Eric hurried next door to the Young's apartment and banged on their door rapidly. _

"_Mrs. Young! It's Eric Matthews, I have an emergency! I need to use your phone!" He yelled, becoming more and more anxious with the lack of sounds Jack was making._

_She'd come running to the door, hair in disarray and phone in her hand. He'd snatched it from her hands and called the nearest hospital, requesting an ambulance. She waited until he'd finished, following him back to the apartment. "Oh my God." She hurried to Jack's side, lifting his head. "What's wrong with him?"_

_Eric wanted to tell the truth, just once to someone else, but he knew Jack would never forgive him. "Asthma. He lost his inhaler and when I got here, he was too far gone to tell me where the emergency one is." She bought it and started rubbing soothing circles into Jack's back. By the time the paramedics arrived, Jack had calmed enough to open his eyes. Even the thankful nod in Eric's direction wasn't enough to change how he felt._

He lied again for Jack and for the first time he truly felt guilty.

He remembers being in the hospital waiting room praying not for Jack to be okay but for him to have something bad enough this time that they'd keep him overnight. Just one night. Long enough for him to slow down, get a decent meal in him and take a breath. One night was all Eric needed to try to get Jack to see what he was doing to himself, to Eric by extension. He'd curled up on that plastic bench and prayed for a doctor motherly enough to sign Jack in for the night. And when the tall, greying doctor met him in the hallway with the AMA release form, he'd lost what little faith he had. Still, he'd picked himself up and went in to take Jack home all the while knowing he'd go right back to what he was doing the second he got back.

* * *

Jack literally runs into the Matthews at the grocery store. Amy and Allen are shopping for a welcome back dinner for Topanga and they were arguing over the right spice to use on the chicken when Jack ran into Amy. He was apologizing profusely before he even realized what happened. He was lost in his head over the phone call he'd had with his mother.

"Oh, hey Mr. and Mrs. Matthews." He grinned bright, hoping it more than made up for how this he'd become. There was thin and there was skeletal and he knew enough to know that he was quickly approaching the second category.

"Oh please, how many times do we have to tell you: it's Amy and Allen." Allen started, reaching out to clap Jack on the back. "How've you been son? I heard you got your own place."

"Uh, yeah." He scratched at his ear nervously. He wasn't sure if they had any ill feelings towards him for the way things had ended with Eric. "My parents got me an apartment. Sort of a reward for getting… better so quickly. It's not far from our old… from Eric's place. Uh, how is he?"

Amy pursed her lips, hearing so many words left unsaid in the exchange. "He's fine. He's good. School's going well and he's learning how to fend for himself. I think it was good for both of you to live apart for a while."

That stung, Jack had to admit. "You think we were too close."

She shook her head and pet Allen on the shoulder. "Allen, could you go get the milk." He gave her an odd look but went off anyway, confused. Returning to Jack and laid it out for him. "Most people don't start dating someone they already have to share rent with." At the slight surprise on his face, she smiled. "I'm not blind; I know about your relationship with my son. I know that this break between you too has a lot more to do with your hearts than any 'space' issues with the apartment. Eric refuses to go into it and whenever we call, he's always on his way out like he can't spend more than a minute at home."

Jack brightened a bit at that. "He misses me?"

At that, Amy smacked him with her grocery list. "Are you kidding? You seriously have to ask?" She shook her head. She could see him starting to get antsy and she took a risk. "Listen, come to dinner tonight. Shawn, Topanga and Cory will be there so if it starts to feel uncomfortable, they can be buffers. What do you say?"

Jack wanted nothing more than to come up with a proper excuse but for once, he didn't have any schoolwork due and he didn't have to be at work tomorrow night. "Why not?"

* * *

"So, Topanga, how'd you like California?" Jack asked, doing anything to avoid looking at Eric. Amy had been kind enough to sit him near her end of the long table, as far away from Eric as possible. It had been both a blessing and a curse as he was now able to play off any gaze in Eric's direction as being aimed towards Shawn or Cory but the distance only made him want to be closer. He couldn't make up his mind.

Topanga gladly took the opportunity to banish some of the awkward tension in the room. Not only between Jack and Eric but between Eric and his mother for inviting Jack without consulting him. "It was great. Very sunny and almost everywhere my father took me had the most delicious food. We visited this little taco stand on the corner of his office building with the best salsa I've ever had. I would gladly go back if I managed to find a job there."

Cory took her hand and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "And I would gladly follow you anywhere." The group aww-ed, all except Eric. His eyes dodged the happy couple as he made shape with his peas. Jack tied to figure out why but when Eric looked up he lowered his head, not wanting their eyes to meet. This was a bad idea. He'd known that before and yet he'd agree anyway. Maybe he just liked torturing himself.

"This chicken is delicious Mrs. Matthews." Shawn said, raising his fork.

Allen shook his head and interjected, "I contributed too, buddy. Just like my wife taking all the credit." They laughed and pet each other on the hand and Jack was confronted with just how much he wanted to be them in the future. He wanted pleasant, light-hearted banter. He wanted to be the happy, well-adjusted couple without baggage that followed them into whatever conversation they had.

"So, Jack, where've you been living?" Shawn asked.

"I've been living in the apartment complex on Twenty-Third Street. It's not far from, " he chewed for a second, just long enough for Eric to take notice. "Eric. Not far from Eric."

"On your own? That must be nice." He chuckled. "Hey, you need a roomie, just say the word."

"Thanks, but I'm enjoying living on my own." He responded.

"Seriously?" Eric asked, his fork clattering to his plate. "That's literally five minutes away. You've been five minutes away from me for the last three months. Five fucking minutes."

"Eric!" Amy started, getting to her feet just as Eric threw down his napkin and started up the stairs. When it looked like Amy was going to go after him, jack stood up, placed a hand on her shoulder and shook his head.

"It's okay. I'll go." Jack offered and he was on the stairs before anyone could talk him out of it.

Eric had just opened the closet door when he heard steps on the creaking landing outside his door. He sighed, apology on his tongue. "Look Mom, I'll go apologize. Just give me a minute."

At the sound of Jack's light laugh, he spun around, flushed. "I should hope that I've never reminded you of your mother. With all the sex we've had." He watched as Eric tried to side-step his way in front of the closet. "What's in there?"

He stepped closer and gently pushed Eric aside. His eyes rested on the plastic casing streaked with dried blood. As he came closer, he caught the faint scent of iron and dirt. He gasped as the scent sprung on a memory of that night.

_Bright, scalding pain on his chest as his left eye opened on blinding, clinically bright hospital lights. He let out a scream of pain as he tried to move his left arm only to find that it didn't seem attached to his body correctly. His right felt ripped out of its socket and the slightest movement pulled hoarse cries from the pit of his throat. His head was too full and he couldn't breathe without the crushing weight on his chest making him settle for second long bursts of air. He could smell blood and dirt and grass. Anti-septic and the smell of rubber gloves as white and green blurs hovered above him speaking garbled orders at each other. He couldn't stop screaming and the burns on his chest put out a growing scent of burning flesh. He was being pushed somewhere and he couldn't stop it because his every movement jarred the delicate balance keeping his head together and his arms would cause less pain if they were amputated. He felt agony down to his feet and it was a wonder he could even open an eye. He was strapped down somewhere near the burned skin on his body and the nameless blurs weren't paying him any attention. _

_And still he screamed and he screamed and he screamed._

_Until he blacked out for good. _

"I woke up that night." Jack said, sinking down onto Eric's bed. "I woke up the night I fell and I could feel everything. God, Eric, it hurt so badly." He wrapped his arms tight around himself and tried to shake the memory.

"Why did you do it, Jack?" Eric asked, sitting down beside him. "You knew I was right there. I begged you to come down, I tried to pull you down myself and you jumped anyway. You didn't care that I would see."

"You weren't supposed to be there." He whispered. "I wasn't supposed to do it that night. I was going to wait until you were home. I was going to give myself to you that night, kiss you and tuck you in and then I was going to..." He left it open because saying it would've been too much. Would've made it more horrifying somehow.

Eric could barely croak out a desolate "What?" before Jack continued.

"It's not pleasant but it's true. I wanted you good and happy with something to hold on to before I ended it. It was never supposed to be an impulsive mess that I failed at."

"Failed at? Jack—"

"No, I have to finish this. I have to tell you." He sniffed and realized that somewhere in the middle, he'd started crying. "Suicide was a crutch, Eric. I told myself that if there ever came a day I couldn't handle the pressure, I'd quit. That night wasn't the first time I'd wanted to. Every time I came close, and God were there some close calls, I'd think of you and how I just couldn't leave you like that.

"That night, you seemed so happy. Happier than you'd ever been with me and when you tried to get me to dance with you, tried to get me to admit to your family what we were, I just couldn't do it. It wasn't anything you said or anything you did. It was my cowardice. It was all me." He pulled Eric's trembling hands down from his tear-streaked face and made sure he was understood. "It had nothing to do with you. It was always going to happen and you couldn't have stopped it. How much I loved you couldn't have stopped me. It didn't."

Eric shook his head and pressed his face into Jack's chest, finally releasing the shaking sobs into his sweater. Jack rocked him back and forth, murmuring comforting words he didn't understand into his hair. "It's okay, you'll be okay. Stop crying, it's okay." He stroked Eric's hair and held him until he quieted down. They eventually made their way, together to the top of Eric's bed. Entangled together, Jack was almost asleep when the request came.

"Come over? Just once? I'll make you dinner."

"Why not?"

* * *

Jack doesn't tell Eric that he had a panic attack earlier that day when he'd realized that in order to meet Eric, he would have to put off, once again, the paper he had to do for his Econ class. The paper was twenty percent of his grade and he was already working his shaky A plus average towards an A minus. If he got anything less than a perfect grade on it, his stepfather wouldn't be happy and if his stepfather wasn't happy, Jack would feel the brunt of it soon enough. He'd knocked his coffee mug to the ground before he'd even noticed his breathing had sped up and he wasn't taking any air in. Without Eric there to talk him through it, he'd sat in a perpetual state of fear, unable to breathe until he managed to convince himself that he could just leave dinner early and give himself more time to work on it. That Eric wouldn't mind.

Seeing him now, Jack realized what a fool he had been. Eric looked… perfect. How could Jack pull himself away early when just looking at Eric made his heart actually flutter?

Eric had gained some healthy weight back, his hair was no longer limp and lifeless—it was back to the gorgeous, wavy locks he'd prided himself for when Jack had first met him. Gone were the dark circles underneath his eyes but the worry lines around his mouth, those were permanent. He didn't quite seem happy but he gave off an air of content. Like he'd found his way back to normal but he was still waiting for something else to fill his life completely.

"How've you been?" Eric asked tentatively, taking a bite of pasta. He remembered the day he'd gotten into a food fight with Jack and Rachel. How he remembered not the tight fit of Rachel's tight T-shirt caked with mashed potatoes and pasta sauce but for the bright gleam of unbridled amusement in Jack's eyes underneath inches of whipped cream. He may not look back on every memory of Rachel fondly but enough of them were cherished because Jack had seemed truly carefree when she was around. When they were the unbeatable trio and life was much simpler.

God, had Jack's stepfather been in the background of that time too?

"I'm… good." It wasn't entirely a lie. He'd been doing well in school, his GPA brought way up. His new apartment, paid for by his stepfather on the grounds that he never see Eric again, was pretty much perfect and silent as he had no need for a roommate. The only thing missing was anytime of excitement whatsoever. It just wasn't the same coming home and finding that no one had set fire to the toaster or lost their coffee table betting a neighbor that it would hit the ground quicker than a beanbag chair. He thought about getting a dog but he wasn't sure if taking care of one would be half as much work as taking care of Eric was.

He missed him in a big way. So big that he woke up most mornings with the phone in his hand and Eric's number halfway dialed. It took all the resolve he had not to hit "send" and sometimes he even lost that battle.

"Really?" The "_without me?"_ went unspoken and Eric had to bite his lip not to ask about the last time Jack had a panic attack. The last time he'd gone three days without eating or sleeping because he had to get a project perfect. The last time he'd woken up after passing out because he couldn't be bothered to take a sip of water. The last time he'd found himself on a bridge willing to end his life because he just couldn't handle the—"Pressure? You don't feel any more pressure?"

Jack tried to play it off with a laugh. "Of course I do, Eric." His mouth felt odd, having gone months without saying the name anymore. It felt wrong in his mouth, like he didn't deserve to use it. "I'm a college student. I'm under a _tremendous_ amount of pressure. Most days I don't even wanna get out of bed." His voice went raw at the end with the brutal honesty of it all and he could tell Eric was reading between the lines.

"But you do, don't you? You get out of bed and you make it through the day." He finished, tone blank as possible and for Eric that was never good. "For what?"

"What do you mean?" He watched Eric's brown eyes staring him down and wondered when he'd learned how to look that way. Who he'd learned it from because he managed to look so much like his stepfather.

"What do you want Jack? What do you expect to get out of this?" He gestured to the table and the empty apartment.

"I—"

"Because if you expect me to just sit here and take your word that you're fine and you're doing just fine without me when I know that your stepfather has been treating you like his personal punching bag since—"

"It's not! I'm not fine without you." He finished quietly, apologizing for the outburst that, in any circumstance, would've made his stepfather send him to his room without dinner. "And he's been better. I didn't say that I was fine without you. I miss you every minute of every day. I miss you every time I come home to my apartment and see that you're not there to give me a hug and a kiss and tell me that I mean something. I miss you every time that I find a lucky penny on the ground and think of you. Or when I see a rubber duck on a commercial and I think of you. Or every time that it rains and I feel that twinge where my wrist was broken and I think of the first time that _I _kissed_ you_ – I miss you."

Eric looked down at his plate and felt his eyes start to burn. "Jack."

"I wanted to give you something to go on. Something to make it okay to want to be with me and not have to worry that I'm going to lose it and want to end everything. I wanted to make it okay for you to look at me and just see the person you love… not some psycho that tried to kill himself." He explained, willing Eric to look up and see how hard this was for him.

"I can't look at you without worrying." He said, seeing the crestfallen look on Jack's face. He grabbed at his hand before he could speak again. "That's part of loving someone, Jack. I care about you so much that I hate to see you hurt. Even worse, I hate to see you trying to hide it from me."

Jack wasn't touching that with a ten foot pole. "When I met you you were the happiest, funniest guy I knew. You were like a big kid and I know I acted like you were the most annoying person ever but I did everything I could to just be around you. You had this way of making everyone around you feel like all their problems were miles away." He paused and chose his words carefully. "What happened to him? I just," he gave a wry chuckle. "I can't remember the last time I saw you laugh."

It was a while before Eric said anything, his hand tracing circles on the back of Jack's. The rain pitter-pattered against the window and the room brightened every few moments with the cackle of lightning. "I grew up, Jack." The intensity in his eyes, the hardness of his face told Jack that Eric had resigned himself to this.

"I never wanted that for you."

"Nobody did. But it happened anyway and I wouldn't change a thing." He took a sip of his wine and returned his gaze to Jack's stricken expression. "So where does that leave us?"

Jack thought of the many times he'd found Eric's touch the only thing keeping him sane, calm and, at some low points, alive. He thought of the look on his face that night at Cory's wedding when they'd danced in circles, his hands on Jack's waist. He thought of Eric's parents looking at him with pity and understanding when he spoke about Shawn forbidding Eric to see him. He thought of the suit Eric kept in the Matthew's closet, in plastic lining and bloodied as the day he'd jumped.

He thought of the bridge and how uncertain he'd felt looking down at the toes of his dress shoes hovering over the edge. There was no way to be sure but he thinks he'd felt less nervous then than he does now.

He doesn't tell Eric that he had a panic attack earlier that day. He doesn't tell him because the one thing Eric wants more than anything is for Jack to be okay. And while Jack can't promise that, he can give Eric this. He can give him hope. "If you still want me, we can give this a try; for real this time. No secrets. No hiding."

The corners of Eric's lips twitched in enough of a smile that Jack felt his heart slow its rapid pace until he felt Eric slide the sleeve of his sweater up past the bony knob of his wrist. The soft pads of his fingertips ran along the scar where the doctors had screwed pins in to repair the damage his stepfather had caused. The touch was so gentle, so poised so as not to scare Jack away that he felt something lodge in his throat. "Eric, don't."

"Don't what?" He asked, trailing his fingers up to the scar on Jack's forearm from the fall. "Don't touch you?"

"No." He swallowed thickly and fought the urge to get up from the table. "Don't do _that_."

"Do what?" He asked.

"_Eric._" It took everything he had not to claw Eric's hand off of where it held his wrist still.

"No more secrets. No more hiding. No more pretending." He recited as if he'd written this all down on his Christmas list. "And every night I want you tell me everything about your day. Every single thing. I can't protect you from the world Jack but I want you to never have to protect yourself from me."

He was shaking now with the urge to stop Eric treating his scars like they were something to be treasured, something sacred. His leg was bouncing uncontrollably underneath the table and he could feel tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. God, was he so fucked up that the slightest bit of kindness sent his insides clawing their way to his throat?

"Please stop." He begged, words escaping before he'd even felt his mouth opening.

Eric paid him no attention and continued making his way to the inside of Jack's elbow. "Promise me."

"Okay, okay, just please stop."

"They're permanent, Jack. You'll never be rid of them and even if they fade you'll know where they were and how you got them. You'll always hate them but I think they're beautiful. They remind me that I should've lost you that night." The hard look had returned to his eyes. "Don't ever do that to me again."

"I won't." He bit out, flinching away from Eric's trembling fingers. He'd reached a breaking point and he wasn't sure if he wanted to fall at Eric's feet or punch him in the face. "I won't, I won't, just stop."

"Will you stay the night?" He looked up at him, eyes simply curious and giving no sign that he had turned Jack into a shaky mess in front of him.

"Okay." Jack said once more, biting his lip and waiting for Eric to stop. The hand finally stopped caressing his skin but the other continued the grip on his hand, grounding him, keeping him there.

"Okay." Eric repeated, the beginnings of a smile gracing his face.


End file.
